Happy New Year!!

Hopefully everyone had a good Christmas. We celebrated with family and friends, as it should be. It was emotionally tough during some parts as we tried to weave old traditions with new ones without my Dad, but all in all it was a good Christmas. As we get ready to celebrate the new year, I reflect on 2011 and can honestly say that I have never looked more forward to heading into another year...one with fresh starts and GOOD HEALTH!

There were a few things, silver linings in the dark clouds, that I will carry with me as positives into the new year. Despite the circumstances, it was wonderful to see how many people my Dad had a positive effect on. I have always known what a great man he was. He was always there for us growing up, a terrific Grandpa to our kids, as well as a Grandpa figure to many of Courtney's friends. But to have others further removed from our family circle who only knew a small part of him share how he touched their life is really something to celebrate. I have heard him referred to as a great role model, a great boss, a wonderful Christian, someone who is there to lend a helping hand, and so much more. As I said, I knew all of those things about him, but when you hear how he helped someone's life years ago during such a brief encounter or taught young men how to be a good family man by example, I can only hope that my life will continue to be a good reflection of God's love and how to live a life full of purpose.

Throughout this past year, I have also been reminded of what great people I have surrounding me. I could not have asked for better people to be part of "Team Michelle". You prayed, you emailed, you cooked, you called, you showed your support by walking or donating for the team in Race for the Cure, you picked me up when I was having a rough day, and so much more! All I can say is WOW and thank YOU! My family is so grateful for all the ways you loved us. I still have a process ahead, but knowing we are not alone is such a big part of working through all of this.

Lastly, I was reminded how fast life can change. Enjoy the time you have been given and take the time to nurture the relationships in your life. God has a funny way of throwing curve balls to help you learn to trust in Him. It's how you deal with those twists and turns of life that will write on the wall of who you are.

Happy 2012!!

A Christmas Blessing

Well today brought good news from my surgeon. I received word that my pathology results came back from my bilateral mastectomy. They showed no cancer in my right breast and only a residual amount in my left breast. It was all as it should be and all of that chemo really did do its job. My muscle has some atrophy (weakening) but that was to be expected since the tumor was originally growing on it. The surgeon said they got ALL of the cancerous tumor removed! I can't tell you how good it feels to have NO cancerous tumor growing in my body!!!

I went to the plastic surgeon yesterday and got one more of the drains removed. My right one is still in as it is still collecting too much fluid to be able to remove it. I have another appointment Friday to hopefully have it removed. I am really hoping I can be rid of it before Christmas. I am off all pain meds as of last Saturday and according to Dr. Burgess that is almost unheard of so soon after surgery so I am thankful to have been feeling pretty decent. Don't get me wrong, it still feels "uncomfortable" but not painful.

Part of me feels bad today for getting such great news. A lady who I met at the cancer center who was going through another fight with her cancer that had spread to her bones and her brain lost her battle this afternoon. I have only talked to her a few times, but I find myself continuing to think about the loss their family has just endured. She has a daughter Courtney's age and another high school aged daughter. I just can't imagine how their family must be feeling today. I'm sure they are thankful for her not suffering any longer, but what a loss for their family. Please pray for peace and comfort for them and this is another good reason to continue to pray for a cure. I feel so thankful and fortunate to be in such good condition, but can't help thinking that could have been me if I hadn't found my tumor soon enough.

As one friend put it, I received an early Christmas blessing today. May you all feel the blessings and hope that this season offers.

Post surgery update

It has been 5 days since my surgery. I am still pretty sore but making progress everyday with the help of my pain meds. I was even able to take in both of the kids' school programs. I was so happy to be able to be there! One more choir concert to go later this week and Nutcracker this weekend then we are officially on winter break!!! :)

I had my follow up with Dr. Burgess this morning and my surgery went extremely well. They had to take 5% of my pectoral muscle to get the clearest margins, but they were pleased they could spare so much of the muscle. That is thanks to the chemo doing its part. I had 4 drains placed (2 on each side) during surgery to collect all of the blood and excess fluids. Those are usually in anywhere from 1-3weeks, but today she was able to remove 2 of them already! The other 2 should come out next Tuesday. Until then we need to continue to empty them twice a day and record the amount of fluid that comes out. It is quite a process, but the end is in sight! I have more use of my arms everyday which is helpful so that I can get back to doing my own personal care.

All in all, I am happy to have surgery and chemo behind me. Those feel like big steps in this journey that I can check off. They won't start adding saline to the tissue expanders for a few more weeks so that my body can heal before we do anything else.

Your emails and offers of help are so appreciated. Thank you again!

Onto the Next Chapter of My Journey...

Sorry it has been so long since my last post! I assure you this post will make up for my silence, as there is so much to cover.

In the last few weeks, I have completed my chemo treatments and have been working toward getting ready for surgery this Thursday, the 8th! I am incredibly happy to have chemo behind me. I had the usual side effects...nausea, diarrhea, headaches, nasal congestion, eyes that tear randomly, nail beds that hurt, indigestion, etc. But even though all of those things were/are not fun, I realize that I am thankful for chemo. It is a strange thing to be thankful for I know. But without it, my tumor wouldn't be shrinking. Some have not had as easy a road as mine in their fight. Some are not as fortunate and are having to fight their battle multiple times. I hope and pray for a future that includes cures for cancer without all the nasty side effects, but until then, I have to be thankful for how far we have come in the last several years for treatments. I completed my treatments with my Mom and Beth supporting me as they have every 3 weeks faithfully. Many of you sent messages, emailed, texted, etc to show your support. All of the wonderful nurses presented me with a certificate for completing my chemo and gave me hugs of support as I moved on to the next phase of treatment. In the last few weeks, I have really missed them as they had become part of my routine. I had a follow up with Dr. O'Brien yesterday and it was nice to see all of the nurses and doctor staff. And of course, even nicer that I didn't have to have chemo while I was there! :) My bloodwork all came back good for surgery. Dr. O'Brien reported I was a little anemic, but she didn't foresee that being a problem since my number was so close to the normal range. I see her again in about 6 weeks to follow up, and meet with the radiation oncologist late in January to start getting ready for the next phase after surgery. Before I get too ahead of myself though, let me focus on the last couple of weeks...

I met with my general surgeon, Dr. Richmond, on the 17th, the day before she was to go in for her shoulder surgery. We talked about what to expect, that I would have a pain pump, and 4 drains for a while, and what kinds of things to expect post surgery. She also had talked to me about insurance and that she had fought with them for a few days regarding covering surgery in a surgery center vs. a hospital. The surgery center is a relatively new concept and some insurance companies don't cover the same as in a regular hospital setting. She kept getting different answers and had to continue to push regarding our contracts, etc but ultimately she had found out that all was okay and that insurance would indeed cover everything. But she also assured me that if something happened where they were going to give us a headache, she would call our local news station and put them on the case of uncovering all that the insurance companies force patients and physicians to go through when what everyone should be concerned with is the best interest of the patient. She asked if I was okay with going public if I needed to, and I was definitely onboard!

Fast forward to the 29th, I met with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Burgess. She would be doing the tissue expander procedure following Dr. Richmond's bilateral mastectomy procedure. Her staff had received a very different answer from the insurance company that all was not resolved. The insurance company had informed them that morning, that in fact they were NOT going to cover both surgeons at the surgery center and that in order for me to be covered, I would have to have two separate surgeries on different days (one for the double mastectomy, one for the tissue expanders to get ready for future reconstruction). Needless to say, on top of all the other things we have endured over this last few months, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I just started crying and couldn't believe we had come this far and the insurance company was actually asking me to have TWO surgeries...it defied all logic to me. The only other option was to find a new general surgeon that could do the surgery in a hospital setting vs a surgery center. Nevermind that the hospital is 3 times more expensive, and them asking for two surgeries was more expensive than they would have paid for our original plan! So while neither option was ideal, after we processed everything that morning, I decided the best option was to find a new surgeon rather than enduring two surgeries. Dr. Burgess talked with Dr. Richmond, who was recovering from her own surgery still, and they decided that was best for me as well. They had a doctor they wanted me to meet with the next day that they both highly recommended and had worked with before. My head was spinning by this point, and we felt like the rug had been ripped up from under us, but there was no choice but to proceed one step at a time and get this resolved. We had only a week and a half before surgery, the tumor needed to come out, and now needed to meet a new surgeon! To add to the burden, the new surgeon that came so highly recommended was based at St. Vincent Hospital, the very place we had lost my dad less than 6 months ago. I couldn't bear the thought of my mom sitting in an all too familiar waiting room, at an all too familiar hospital, for 4 hours while I had surgery. I explained to Dr. Burgess' office how important it was that we see if there was any way to have the surgery done at Meridian Park (where Dr. Burgess usually performs her surgeries). Doctors have privileges at certain hospitals and it takes a lot of work and red tape for them to have privileges outside their normal hospital. So, all that could be done was wait and see (again). The following morning we met my newly referred general surgeon, Dr. De La Melana, at an office next door to St. Vincent. We immediately felt a connection to her, and she sympathized with our situation and totally understood why we wanted her to perform her portion of the surgery at Meridian Park vs. St. Vincent. She had already set that plan into motion early that morning and was waiting to hear that all of the paperwork was in order so that we could have confirmation that all was resolved. She was so friendly and went above and beyond to make sure she got up-to-date on my case on such short notice. She promised to call as soon as she heard back re. what hospital she could do the procedure in. A few hours later, we got the call that all had been worked out and my surgery date could stay the same and it would be at Meridian! What wonderful news! Aside from waiting for the diagnosis of my cancer, the waiting for all to be confirmed had to be one of the most emotional and stressed out times we had during this last few months. That 24 hours seemed like days!

As I approach my surgery in just a couple of days, I am filled with anticipation, anxiety, hopefullness, and so many ranges of emotion. My recent ultrasound showed that my tumor had shrunk and was now off the chest muscle. While there is still a live part in the tumor, a big portion of it is neucrotic (dead), so the chemo did what it was supposed to do. I still feel that as long as there is a live part to the tumor that I can envision the cancer multiplying now that chemo is complete. Likely, that is not the case, it is more of my mind working overtime at just wanting that tumor gone and out of there. The surgeons agree that the sooner it is out the better as well, and with their help and compassion with helping resolve our insurance issue, that will happen early Thursday morning. The last week has been filled with pre-Christmas preparations, getting my work finalized for the upcoming January term, and getting my mind and body prepared for what is to come. At moments I have a "go get 'em" approach. At others, I think too much about surgery and start crying. I will admit it...I am scared. But just as quickly, that moment passes and then I feel so freed in knowing that my cancerous tumor will be removed!

I will be staying the night in the hospital and coming home Friday. Please pray for me, the surgeons, and especially my family over the course of these next several days. The family has endured so much this year already that it is time for them to feel a sense of peace and comfort in knowing all will be okay. We still have a road to travel in this cancer journey, but having all of this part behind us should feel so freeing. Thank you to so many of you who continue to send cards, emails, posts on facebook, etc. I go into this procedure feeling loved and cared for, and so blessed by each and every one of you who offer words of encouragement as well as help however it is needed during these next few weeks of recovery. Once again I say that God has given me the best team of supporters a person could be rewarded with!

Bye Bye Chemo....Hello Surgery!

My last chemo on October 21 went pretty much like the one before it. It takes about 7-10 days to get past feeling mediocre. It seems each time I am more fatigued and regular everyday tasks take more energy than they should. Overall, side effects have stayed about the same the last few treatments. The newest minor side effect is that my nail beds are very tender and sensitive, and my eyes water throughout the day when I get about 1 1/2 - 2 weeks past my chemo treatment. These are inconvenient, but on the scope of things I will take that vs. not feeling well or lacking energy to keep moving throughout the day. But, the good news is that I almost have this part behind me! Tomorrow morning I will endure my last chemo treatment and I can't even explain how excited I am to be this close to the "chemo finish line"!

This past week or so, we have met with a couple of plastic surgeons to discuss pros and cons of various procedures. I cannot have any reconstruction done until probably fall of next year since I will have radiation. The body needs a certain amount of time to heal after the radiation process so that it can have the best results possible for reconstruction. Both plastic surgeons that we met with were very informative and we felt very comfortable with them. They both have worked with my surgeon, Dr. Richmond, before. Originally, I was looking at a DIEP flap procedure, which is a very specialized surgery where they take excess from your abdominal area and use it to form new breasts. In talking with the one plastic surgeon that does this procedure however, I ultimately decided against it. Because of how detailed it is, the surgery takes approximately 14 hours followed by 3 - 4 days in ICU. After all our family has been through this year, it just didn't make sense to me to do a procedure that lengthy, followed by an even lengthier recovery time next year. While risks are low of complications, I just felt under our family's circumstances that involving any other unnecessary parts of the body for reconstruction was just more risk than I was willing to take. The other drawback, which may seem silly to anyone else but my Mom and I, was that the procedure would take place at St. Vincent's which is where we lost my Dad. I couldn't imagine having my Mom go through sitting in a waiting area during my 14 hour surgery that we spent so much time in during my Dad's stay in May, followed by an ICU stay in the very same area where we lost my Dad. So, ultimately I have decided to go with implants. I will have tissue expanders put in during my double mastectomy, and then they will do a faster expansion approach with them over the course of the 4-6 weeks following my surgery in December. Usually the expanders get close to 3 months to gradually increase, but since radiation limits how much your tissue will stretch, they have to do a faster version so that things are where they need to be before radiation starts. With a lot of work and coordination, my breast surgeon and my plastic surgeon were able to schedule this procedure for Thursday, December 8. It is an outpatient surgery, so after my small recovery time at the surgery center in Hillsboro, I will get to be home for the rest of the recovery process, which should be 2-3 weeks. I will be very happy to get what is left of the tumor out before the holidays. It will complicate the holiday season as far as how much I can do, etc but it is worth it to me in the end to know that the tumor is gone and I can begin the next phase of treatment and ultimately get that much closer to the finish line of being cancer free!

Thank you for all of your continued prayers, emails, and cards. Those constant words of encouragement continue to help me get through the days that I don't feel as positive.

Better Late Than Never...

First, let me apologize for not keeping up with my blog this last few weeks. Thank you to all of you who checked in with me to see if things were okay, since I was so unusually quiet following my treatment.

I had chemo 4 on Monday, Oct. 3, and it hit me pretty hard compared to the others. I spent 10 days being extremely fatigued, and since I try to be totally honest on this blog, I spent the better part of a week pooping my brains out! And at the end of that got a couple of small hemorroids to deal with. This week, I have felt much better, so that has been a nice change!

I know the chemo is working, as I have a harder time feeling the lump. But some days that doesn't feel like enough. I had plenty of days of feeling discouraged, frustrated, and just plain DONE with this whole journey. All of these things I can't control, because it just isn't in my hands. On a good day, I know this, but on a bad day it just feels so big and overwhelming. It really isn't fair to those that have a much bigger struggle in life to feel so overwhelmed as I have so much to be thankful for, and I know this too, but again found myself having days where I just didn't feel like anything was going my way. I also find myself much more emotional during chemo, and I don't know if it was because my Dad's birthday would have been on the 2nd of October, that I am just now really taking time to deal (or try to deal) with my grief of the last few months that my brain just couldn't deal with before now. Simple things would bring me to tears, and then other times I could reflect back and just be at peace with it all. This is an important part of the grieving process, so I can accept this as God's way of healing my heart.

I dreamed up a perfect plan in my head that my ultrasound would show such a huge amount of decay and be so small that perhaps I could escape these last two treatments. I didn't let myself get too excited about the prospect, as I knew it was a far fetched plan. But oh, wouldn't it be nice to have this part behind me! I went to see my friend, Jerri, Wednesday for my ultrasound and jokingly told her when she asked how I was doing that her only job that day was to have a hard time finding my tumor and having everyone proclaim "NO MORE CHEMO". She laughed and said she didn't create the miracles, she simply reads what is there and someone much bigger is in control. I agree...but a girl can dream, right? :) The good news is the tumor is shrinking, despite the overall measurement being about the same. The picture below shows a heart shaped tumor (sort of a strange irony in my opinion). The inside of the tumor (near the center) shows the solid portion of the mass that remains, however the cells around it have significant decaying (referred to as necrosis) and show great signs that the chemo is doing its job. The dead part just hasn't fallen off yet, so the overall tumor still measures pretty close to before, but the important part is a good portion of the cancerous tumor is losing its battle. Praise God! Jerri brought my radiologist,Dr. Siepmann, in had him take time to explain all of this to us. He knew I was wanting to forego treatments, but had such a great way of explaining it to me that if we quit treaments now, we would be gambling on whether or not the tumor would continue to decay enough to provide clear enough margins for a successful surgery and total removal of the cancer. When you put it that way, who can argue what is best.






















So, tonight I am gearing up for another round of chemo in the morning. My oncologist worked with me to move my chemo up a couple of days for each of the two remaining treatments so that I could hopefully be ready for surgery sooner than mid-December. My surgeon however is having shoulder surgery the week of Thanksgiving, so my most favorable date of November 30th was quickly dashed as she felt she may not be back at 100% by that date. Totally understandable, but still disappointing. My surgery is instead tentatively scheduled for Wednesday, December 7. My white blood cell count has to cooperate and be where it needs to be, so please continue to pray that when that date nears, that it will be where we need it to be. All of my other pre-surgery criteria has been met. I have had my chest x-ray back in July, and I had my EKG on Wednesday when I was at the hospital already. We also have an appointment scheduled with a couple of plastic surgeons so that we can plan my future reconstruction and they can consult with my surgeon prior to my bilateral mastectomy about the best way to go about my surgery for my desired end result.

Today, I woke up with a small cold starting. I am hoping it stays mild, and that it doesn't mess with my white blood cell count for the morning. I will try to keep everyone updated as best I can. I had so many gifts of encouragement this last few weeks, and I appreciate you all so much! I have had special treats (food, jewelry, scarves, books, cards, emails, texts, etc.) people sent or brought just because they wanted to brighten my day or say they were thinking of our family. Each of you are truly a gift I am thankful for.

Let's Label Chemo #3 As Not the Greatest...

So, last Monday I had chemo # 3. The week started off pretty decent, but by Wednesday I had more nausea than in the past along with some feelings of indigestion. My stomach cooperated Thursday & Friday, and by Saturday I felt fairly okay. My overall feeling was that I just didn't feel great...it was more of a push to have myself feel and function as normal as possible. Court & Tom spent the week sick, and with still getting all of us into the busy routine of school and activities while dealing with a new chemo cocktail, it felt a bit overwhelming at times but we all came through it okay. I did remind myself on a daily basis that I "only" have 3 more times of this, so I CAN DO THIS! I talked to myself a few times like a stern parent talking to a naughty child, and most of the time it worked. I'd be lying if I said that moments of "poor me" or "this sucks" didn't try to take over. But all in all looking back, I will just say it wasn't the worst thing, but definitely not the greatest either.

Tuesday I had a MUGA test to get a baseline for my heart since the new chemo drug has some chance of heart issue down the line. As my oncologist put it, there is a greater value in us doing the new treatment vs the risk that is there, but we are going to take precautions along the way. My friend Milton did the procedure, so I was in good hands. It's a good thing I like Milton though, because he had to poke me a few times to find a good vein to do his radioactive magic in. Normal is between 55-75, and I was 68, so very good results there.

I will do a separate post on Race for the Cure, as that was truly a wonderful experience and deserves its own place in my blog with pictures. I will say that thankfully I felt good Sunday morning and able to join my team of 18 in a 1K walk around the waterfront. After stopping for a bite to eat with some of our team, I was pretty tired Sunday afternoon. I also had felt like I had something hurting or very uncomfortable going on in my digestive track. By 2pm, everytime I swallowed, breathed too deep or ate or drank anything I had that feeling like something was going down the wrong pipe. I slept for a good part of the afternoon and by evening, Tom and my Mom had convinced me that I needed to call the Nurse Practitioner to see if they could give me some relief. I really hate calling, even though they say it is okay to as I always feel sort of guilty taking up someone's time for something that is uncomfortable vs. dealing with a life threatening issue. I have to admit though, I am glad I called and she explained to me that likely my indigestion from earlier in the week had caught up with my Adriamycin side effects and caused some sores similar to canker sores along my digestive track. She said they likely felt much bigger than they were, but would cause discomfort like I was having. She recommended Maalox to help coat them and if that didn't work I could take pain meds. Since meds are a last resort for me, I opted to go for Maalox, and it helped within 45 minutes! I was still pretty tired and feeling not so great, but getting that on the road to feeling better was such a relief. By Monday morning, I felt a million times better!

Monday had a tiring schedule of its own, as I had a follow up with the oncologist as well as my surgeon in West Linn. Both appointments went well. My blood counts were down, so was reminded I needed to wash often and monitor my temperature this week. My surgeon's news was that the PET scan report she received a copy of, showed the tumor "abutted" the pectoral muscle. She said that is significant as that means it has not invaded the muscle, so likely they won't have to do much with that muscle during surgery time. She also said that assuming all stays on schedule, my last chemo won't be until November 14, so likely surgery won't come until between the 7-14th of December. UGH! Later than I hoped for, but hopefully it will be carefully orchestrated so I won't miss the kids' winter concerts at school and helping Court get ready for Winter Formal, and her performance in the Nutcracker. Not to mention bumping so close to Christmas and all of its preparations. So, pray that we don't get any delays due to white blood cell counts or illness, but sneak in a prayer that a miracle will happen and everything will get moved up a couple weeks! :)

Updated Chemo Plan

I got the call today from Dr. O'Brien, and because my tumor has shrunk 25% instead of 50%, she has recommended I add the 3rd drug Adriamycin to my treatment plan. She is also wanting to add 2 more treatments to ensure the best chance at getting clear margins when surgery time comes.

Needless to say, I was NOT happy at all about this even though I have spent the last few days getting myself ready for this news. I spent a good 45 minutes crying and getting my mad out. I know this is what is best overall, but I am really frustrated to have MY timeline messed up. MY plan was to have this thing done with, surgery & radiation over and moving on with life as much as possible by the end of 2011. God has other plans...and I know in time He will reveal them, but for now, I am mad! I have stayed pretty positive during this whole process but I am going to allow myself this day to be emotional. Now, surgery will likely be somewhere around Thanksgiving and that is about 6 weeks later than I wanted it to be! I was mad at myself for crying on the phone when she told me the plan, but as she so quickly reminded me in her self-assured and confident yet caring tone, we do have good news here...the tumor has shrunk, it's doing what we want...we just have to help it along a little more.

So, after my afternoon cry, I am better. I realize, once again, that I am not in control and that this is not the worst thing in the world. Life will go on, differently than I planned, but certainly not a show stopper. I will get through the next 4 treatments just like I have the last 2. And I have the greatest support team ever, so how can I go wrong? Now that I have gotten over my mini tantrum, that is what I am telling myself.

Now for the fun news...the Cancer Center called this week and they are doing a Pink Glove Dance video there tomorrow morning. They have asked me to be part of it, and I am very excited! Although I can't dance, it will be a great experience doing something fun to bring awareness to breast cancer research.

Keep your cards, emails, and prayers coming!

Tumor Ultrasound

I dropped the kiddos off at school this morning...WOW! I have a high schooler and a 3rd grader now...I can't believe it! Where has the time gone?

While they were back to the school routine, I went and had my ultrasound. My friend & technician, Jerri, was there again to take good care of me and give me the lowdown on how my tumor was looking these days. I am happy to say it is shrinking! Here is a picture of what the tumor looks like for those that are curious:





















Despite the fact that it looks HUGE in this picture where they zoom in close, it is about 3.4 cm by 2.6 cm. It is hard to imagine something so small causing such a disruption to life! While I am happy it shrunk, please pray that it shrunk enough that we can stay with my current treatment plan. Dr. O'Brien said a couple of weeks back that she was hoping to see it close to halfway shrunk and it is maybe only about a quarter of the way. My next chemo is scheduled for Monday, so I am hoping to hear what our plan of attack will be later this week. There is a possibility we will have to bring out some bigger guns for this tumor. Obviously, my priority is to get the cancer gone and never come back, so whatever is my best course for that to happen is what I want. BUT, I really, really didn't want to have to extend my chemo treatments or make them more aggressive unless we had to. It extends my timeframe of being done with all of this stuff, not to mention the fact that the 3rd drug they would add has increased side effects and is harder on the body. Please continue to pray that the answers are clear for how to proceed and that I continue to feel as good as I have.

Thanks again for your continued support and love!

Woo-Hoo!

I have had a pretty decent last week since chemo #2. I had a couple days that I fought the borderline nausea feeling, but fortunately nothing ever came of it! My meds helped, but I know with my delicate system, they also add to the stomach twists and turns. My Neulasta shot gave me its usual bone pain and some mild muscle spasming, but this time I was armed and ready so aside from having one night where I really was wiped out, I did okay. Food is still not tasting great, but that is just a minor setback at this point since there are more important things to consider.

I am halfway now with chemo, so that is a good feeling. There are days here and there where I get bogged down with all that is to come, but overall I truly am trying to take life as it comes. Yesterday started out as one of those sort of "blah" days. Even though I felt pretty good, my mind was just sort of feeling sluggish. Little did I know at that point that my mind would be anything but sluggish by the end of the day! Courtney started off the day really excited as she was invited to take an extra ticket a friend had and join them at Mamma Mia last night. I was so happy she could go (okay, insert JEALOUS) as I really wanted to be able to take her to that show this year, but with all that happened and since it fell on a chemo week, I didn't want to commit to tickets and then spend the whole time not feeling well. The day progressed and the friend's sister, who originally couldn't get out of a required function, was finally told she could join her family. The bummer was that left Courtney with no ticket. We totally understood the circumstances, it was just the way it worked out. I decided to check online and see if there were any tickets left and there were actually some good view seats left. My mom and I talked, and decided we were just going to "fly by the seat of our pants" and go! By the time we reached our decision however, the seats were no longer available online and could only be purchased IN PERSON at the box office 2 hours before showtime. We all got ready and hopped in the car within about 20 minutes so we were there in Portland to get seats right when they opened. Even better, when we got there, the lady told us there was a student discount for the show if you bought last minute, so we ended up saving some $$ on Court's ticket and had GREAT seats. To appreciate this story, you have to understand a few things about our family: 1) We NEVER do anything this last minute...I mean NEVER! 2) This was my Dad's very favorite musical and he had talked about taking Courtney this time to see it long before he died. So, to have all of this work out so smoothly, and to have Courtney's friend's family still be able to have their family together as they had originally planned was amazing! It couldn't have worked out better! We had a great time and enjoyed every minute of the show. Plus, we all knew that Dad had a front row seat and was dancing in the aisles with the rest of us! :)

Another great addition to the day was that when we returned home, we saw that Courtney's boyfriend and her best friend's family are joining our team of family and friends to walk on Race for the Cure day. What a great feeling to know we will be together and bringing awareness with hundreds of other racers that day! And to those that continue to donate to our team, thank YOU! We appreciate it so much!

One last woo-hoo....I just received a call from Dr. O'Brien. My PET/CT scan came back clear, with the exception of the breast tumor we already knew about. Now I can move forward KNOWING that the cancer is not roaming through my body. Although we didn't think the result was a surprise, I must say it is a good feeling to know for sure. WOO-HOO!

PET/CT Scan...check!

After fasting past midnight, my Mom and I headed to the hospital for my PET/CT scan this morning. I was quite nervous as pictures online had it looking a little too much like an MRI machine for my taste. At 8 am, my PET/CT scan "host", Kaleb, showed me back to the trailer that Willamette Valley Medical Center has at their disposal on Wednesday mornings. He started an IV (twice because my first vein blew as usual!), checked my blood sugar, and injected the radioactive/glucose dye. After about 40 minutes of relaxing in a darkened, quiet, nonstimulating environment, we started the procedure.

The CT scan was first and just went back and forth quickly for a few seconds. Then the PET scan worked its way from about my knees to just above my eyes in 6-7 inch increments lasting about 4-5 minutes each. It was nice as the tunnel for this machine was open on the ends, so I was able to see and feel less claustrophobic than during my MRI. Before I knew it, it was over. Results will be ready by Monday, and the goal is of course to have no cancer in any other part of my body! :)

2nd round of chemo down!

I had my 2nd round of chemo yesterday morning. Everything went as planned. They started by taking my blood work to verify all looked good with my white blood counts. They were a little elevated since I had already started my chemo meds, but it was nothing out of the ordinary so we were good to go. By 12:30 ish I was done with all of my IV drips and sent on my way home. I spent the afternoon resting, working, doing odds and ends at home. Today, I went in for my follow up Neulasta shot and ran a few errands with my Mom. We even stopped to get some frozen yogurt today with the kids! YUM! :) I'm a little tired, so plan to rest up later.

I got a call from the hospital telling me how to prep for my PET/CT scan in the morning. Low carb dinner, no food or drink after midnight, and no strenuous exercise between now and then. I think I can handle the last one especially! :) Soon, one more test will be checked off!

I had a great weekend of celebrating. My (second) cousin's wedding was beautiful and it was sooo nice to visit with some family we haven't seen in a while. We also got to take some gorgeous flower arrangements home that my cousin did. My house is full of beautiful roses and star gazer lillies! I was so glad to get to feel good and enjoy a nice family time!

I have gotten lots of cards and emails from several of you...thanks so much! Thank you also to those of you that have received Courtney's letter/post on facebook and answered the call to donate to our Race for the Cure team. We appreciate every one of you and having your support for that amazing cause is wonderful! Go Team Michelle! :)

Lots of news today...

In my last post I mentioned that I had started losing a lot of hair. By Tuesday, I had lost most of my hair so I started wearing my "new hair". My hairdresser was out of town until Thursday, so I just made it work til she was back and could buzz the rest of my hair off. It was a strange feeling having her remove the rest of my hair but it actually felt good to take that step in someway. My head is definitely a lot colder without all of my thick hair protecting it on top. I look very different with no hair, but hopefully it isn't something I will have to deal with for too long. It is a small price to pay to get the drugs into my system though that will get rid of this cancer.

Yesterday my Mom, Tom, and I went to West Linn to meet with my new surgeon. She was very thorough and got up to speed on my diagnosis. It was nice to get a second opinion and know we are on the right track regarding treatment. She wanted to have me get a PET/CT scan to make sure the rest of my body is cancer free. This is a routine thing she likes to do, so I will have that next Wednesday.

Today I had an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. O'Brien. She wanted to externally measure my tumor and get an idea of whether or not it was shrinking. It appears to have shrunk a small amount, so we will continue on the path of the chemo treatment I am on. I am scheduled for another ultrasound on September 6 . She would like to see it shrink to about half its original size so we can stay on the current course of treatment, so please pray for that. Dr. O'Brien also got the results back from my genetic testing and it came back negative for any genetic mutation. This is good news for my immediate family. Courtney and Ryan still have twice the chance of having breast cancer or a connected form of cancer because I have it. They do not increase those risks however since I don't carry the gene. The other test that I mentioned in my last post, the Onco Dx testing, could not be done as my insurance company rejected it since chemo treatments had already begun. We will use my ultrasound on the 6th as our guide for whether the treatments need to be adjusted.

My last appointment today was with an orthosist. He measured me for a compression sleeve for my left arm to help with the lymphedema caused from removing some lymph nodes. It will mostly be worn at night or when I have pain in my arm and need to reduce swelling. I will also need to wear it when I am on an airplane, or when I will be using my arm excessively for something. My new sleeve should be here in the next couple of weeks.

I still feel great and am ready to move forward with my next chemo treatment on Monday. I am hopeful that I will continue to keep life pretty normal during treatment #2. In the meantime, my cousin is getting married tomorrow in West Linn and I am happy I get to attend his wedding and visit with family. My nephew's birthday party is on Sunday so we will be celebrating all weekend long and keeping busy leading up to my next treatment. I am very thankful that these events fell on a weekend free of side effects and fatigue so I can enjoy my family time.

Keep up your prayers and words of support. Thanks again to all of you who continue to reach out in different ways to let me know you are here to support our family.

Chemo is working!

This week, I received several gifts of love and friendship. I got a package in the mail from a friend from high school that had several breast cancer pendants in it that she made. What a neat, fun gift! Thanks, Amy! Another day, I had some friends bring lunch and join the kids and I for sandwiches on our back deck. It was great to visit and catch up. Thank you, Clark family! That same night we had dinner delivered by some family friends. Thank you, Rozeks! I continue to receive lots of cards and emails, all of which are very much appreciated! Some days, I will go through and re-read all the cards I have received and I am overwhelmed at the number of people that are praying and sending their love.

We went and picked my wig up this week too. Another gift...my Mom paid for all of my hair needs (hats, wigs, accessories, etc) Thanks, Mom! :) We picked all this up none too soon. Yesterday my hair started falling out when I ran my fingers through my hair. Within a few hours, I had quite a collection of hair in the trash can. This morning there was quite a bit more when I washed my hair. Enough hair has fallen out now that there are some spots of really thin areas revealing my scalp in different places on my head. I would be lying if I said it wasn't a really strange feeling combing or running my fingers through my hair and getting clumps coming out. However, I am going to look at it as the chemo doing its job. If the chemo is killing my good hair cells, it MUST be shrinking that nasty tumor. And besides, what better time to tell the kids I am going to pull my hair out if they keep bickering....and really mean it! LOL :)

All in all, things are going well. I have had some pain in my left arm and upper back in the area where the nodes were removed. This is something that will occur some as when the lymph nodes are disrupted, it changes the flow of things and causes a condition called lymphedema. Hopefully these times will be few and far between. The pain ranges from minor inconvenience to a sharp surge that feels like that spot is on fire. I will eventually figure out how best to deal with this, so I'm not too concerned about it right now as long as my day to day life can be pretty normal. Otherwise, I feel great!

Thanks to everyone who made the week a little brighter, and to those who just read the blog to stay updated. I appreciate everyone of you so much!

Another Great Doctor Visit!

Today was my follow up with my Oncologist, Dr. O'Brien. The nurses took some blood so they could check all of my levels and make sure things were staying where they should after my first chemo treatment.

First things first.... I LOST 7 POUNDS in 1 week! :) Since I am currently not a petite person looking undernourished, I will take this as good news until further notice! :)

Dr. O'Brien told me that last week, several doctors, specialists, pathologists, etc met and had a round table discussion about my case. (Wow! I had my own round table!) Seriously though, I was impressed that my doctors and various providers all took time to make sure they were doing what was best for me. They also exchanged ideas on how best to move forward in my treatments. Pretty much everyone there was in agreement that given my age and the fact the tumor attached itself to the muscle, radiation would more than likely be needed after surgery to really add that extra layer of "protection" and make sure the cancer is all gone. I am okay with this, as I figure if I am going through this, let's get it all over with and do everything we have to in order to destroy the cancer in my body so that it thinks twice about wanting to mess with me again!

Another thing that came from the round table discussion was that Dr. O'Brien suggested the possibility of exploring the option of doing an Oncotype DX test. Usually these are done after surgery, but before chemo to aid in deciding if chemotherapy is needed or what treatment they would likely pursue. Since in my case, we did things in reverse order thanks to the tumor growing on the muscle, there is some discussion on whether I could benefit from this test still. Dr. O'Brien is going to check into this further with pathology to see if they can use tissue samples from my other biopsies and see if my insurance will cover this test as it is $3000. She would find a value in it if she can get approval because it will give her results to tell her they are doing the right chemo for me. If on the chance they do the testing and find out my score was way higher than expected, she said she may adjust the chemotherapy cycle after this next treatment to add another drug and do all 3 drugs for the last 2 scheduled chemo treatments as well as add 2 additional treatments. (So in otherwords, 6 total treatments vs. the 4 we had planned on.) There is nothing definite decided here yet as much hinges on if insurance will cover it and if pathology will have enough to go on from my other previous tests.

Another type of test I qualify for is a BRCA gene test. This will give us an indication if I have genes that are more prone to breast/ovarian cancer. Depending on the results from this test, it may indicate whether I have a gene that I could share with one of my immediate family members who could also carry the gene. This would include my brother, his son, and my kids. Nothing would be definite to say that this would guarantee they may be more or less prone to cancer, but Dr. O'Brien and I agree that having some answers regarding my genes may help someone else. This is able to be done through a blood draw that I had today, and they will send it in and wait for results.

As far as my side effects from the last week, none were considered out of the ordinary and we just talked about how this gives us an idea of how my body will react to different treatments and medications so we can be as prepared for the next round as possible. She gave me a prescription for special powder to counteract my itching in places we don't need to talk about here, and hopefully that will bring relief soon. :) I haven't had any other achiness or side effects for the last couple of days, so all is going well there. My white blood cell counts were at a high level still, likely from the recent Neulasta shot. She said usually about the 10-14 day post chemo mark is when I may see those numbers fall some, so later this week she wants me to be particularly vigilant about monitoring my temperature if anything seems off and keeping as bacteria free as possible during my time when counts would likely be at their lowest.

My next appointment with her is August 19, when she will check to see the approximate size of the tumor by measuring from the outside. This will give her a rough idea if things are shrinking at all, and when further ultrasounds may be needed.

Thank you for the emails of support you sent today! It was nice that so many were thinking of me during today's appointment! I felt it was a really good appointment and feel positive about where I am headed with Dr. O'Brien. I can't say enough good things about her!

Looking Ahead to Better Days...

It's been a couple of days since I updated how things were going. Friday and Saturday were definitely the roughest so far. Friday during the day I felt mostly just achey in my legs, but by late Friday night it had gone into my whole body feeling achey and my legs feeling like they were a huge weight to lift. I woke up every hour or two during the night with muscle spasms throughout my body every time I moved and my legs hurt sooo bad! I couldn't stay in one position long yet I just dreaded having to move at all.

Since my tummy doesn't do well with lots of medications, and I had been taking all of post chemo drugs all week, I was really trying not to take anything. I finally broke down Saturday morning and had to take a Tylenol to see if I could get any relief for a while. It helped some with the muscle spasms, which was a huge relief. My legs still hurt and each of them felt as though they weighed over 1000 pounds! After a brief rest late in the morning, I did go to Walmart with the kids to get some things we needed and also get Ryan's school supplies. Overall the trip went well. I did have a couple of small hot flashes and my legs hurt but it was nice to get out into the world and do something that didn't have to do with cancer or a doctor follow up.

I was pretty tired when we got home so I took another Tylenol with the theory that maybe if I kept the meds coming I could get this under control and get past it. I rested for about an hour and then we met my mom for dinner and went to visit at her house for a while. My muscle spasms had pretty well stopped by this point, but my legs and body were still aching. I came home and decided to get out the "big guns" and take a pain pill from my surgery last week. The oncology nurses said I could do this if I needed or wanted to. Again, I just fought it since I was trying not to take anything I didn't have to. I decided though I would see if it helped me sleep and stay comfortable through the night.

Much to my surprise (and relief) I slept all night soundly and I awoke to my legs barely hurting! Praise God! :) I definitely feel a little more like myself today! I am hopeful that those couple of days were my worst and that from now til the next chemo treatment on the 22nd can be gradually better and more energy everyday. Other minor side effects so far have been mild hot flashes, an itchy scalp, and food not tasting exactly as it had before. Most food doesn't taste terrible, but it just doesn't taste the same as I know it did in the past.

My Mom and I will be picking up my wig later this week so that I have it ready and am as used to it as I can be before I really need it in the next couple of weeks.

Thanks for staying updated and sending me your thoughts and positive energy. I have felt all of it, especially this last couple of days! :)

A Day of Change

Yesterday I had a follow up with my surgeon, Dr. Irani so she could check on my healing from last week's surgeries. She said all is healing well, and gave me a more detailed report of my lymph nodes coming back negative. She is very confident that by starting with the chemotherapy treatment, we can shrink that tumor off the muscle and allow for clearer margins when surgery time comes thereby giving me the best chance at total removal of the cancer. Yay!!

She did share with me that despite the fact she has several patients here in McMinnville, she has decided to move back closer to her home in Texas. She recommended a couple of good surgeons right there in their office. After talking with some other breast cancer survivors who have sought treatment in various ways, I have decided likely I will go to the Oregon Breast Center in West Linn. They specialize in treatment of women with breast cancers and concerns and have a very good reputation. I called yesterday to set up an initial appointment with them so I can get to know Dr. Richmond before my surgery approaches too closely. She works with several plastic surgeons in the area as well so we will talk about what options will be best for me as we move forward after chemo. My appointment with her is Thursday, August 18. I feel very good about this possibility and this center works with my current oncologist, Dr. O'Brien, so I don't have to give up anything I have established with her already. I will miss Dr. Irani, as she is very compassionate and it's obvious she cares a lot for her patients, but I feel that God has a plan and is leading me to where He feels I will be taken care of best.

For the most part I am still feeling pretty good. I did start my day off with a bout of sickness/queasiness, but with rest and a quiet day have managed to keep it at bay for the most part. I talked to the nurses at the cancer center about some tips I can do differently for when I am
taking the meds the first few days after chemo that hopefully will continue to help me feel as good as possible. It is not uncommon when stepping down on some of the medications that are in place for nausea and other side effects that the body has to play catch up a bit. Hopefully this next couple of days will go by quietly. The Neulasta shot for boosting my white blood cells has started making my legs achey. They warned me this could happen as it tends to focus on the bone marrow which makes them ache for a few days.

Thanks for the continued emails, prayers and friendship! :)

Passing Time During Chemo Searching for Hats! :)

As promised, here are the pictures from Monday's first chemo treatment. As you can see, we had a fun time while searching through the hat cart that the nurse brought over.



Me posing with my new blanket made by friend and neighbor, Kathy.


Hat time....

















Understudy for Dopey. Disneyland here I come! :)




My Little Red Riding Hood look







































Ready for winter! :)






















Tribute to Chicken Little














Peace, Dude!



















Duh!











More hats....



















To keep my head warm at night






















My workout band ~ picture this with no hair! lol :)










So that was the fun we had passing the time at chemo! I am still feeling good, so all those medications must be working to keep the nausea away!

1 Day of Chemo Down!!

I slept fairly okay last night considering all of my anticipation for today's first chemo treatment. The roofers were here bright and early at 7 to start on our new roof, so there was no chance of missing my alarm.

My friend, Beth, and my Mom came to pick me up at 8:15 this morning. We all arrived safely to the cancer center and were surprised to see only 2 other chemo patients were there for treatment first thing. I picked a nice comfy rocker in the corner of the room and got my snacks, water, iPad and new blanket all set up. I will be posting some pictures soon of me with my blanket. My friend and neighbor, Kathy, made me the most amazing blanket! It has the breast cancer pink ribbon patterned all over it and it is soft and fleecy. It was warm and cozy, and despite not feeling overly chilly today, I found it very comforting as it represented yet another person in this journey that supports and cares for me.

Nurse Candace was very nice and spent a lot of time finding the right spot to access my port to put the injections into. She conferred with another nurse and by 8:45, I was starting my pre-med cocktail that would help with nausea and other side effects. There was a small bit of discomfort when the needle went in, but overall after having several other biopsies in the past few weeks, it wasn't too bad. There was a taste of metallic that burst through for a few minutes, but that passed pretty quickly as well. By just a few minutes after 9, I was starting my first chemo drug, Taxotere. It took approximately an hour to get all of it through the IV and so far I was feeling really good. Beth and Mom were taking notes as the nurse gave all the info to them of various things to expect, drugs I would be taking over the next few days, etc. In between note taking time, we all visited and made the best of the morning. Beth and Mom kept "threatening" they could run off and do something fun while I just sat there hooked up to IV, but truthfully neither one of them would have been anywhere else today. :)

Soon it was time to start my second drug, Cytoxan. When they started this one I tasted a lot of metallic taste. I ate some saltines and drank lots of water to get the drug pushed out of my body faster. It seemed to help. This drug would take about an hour and ten minutes to get through IV. While we waited, the nurse brought a hat cart over to look through various hats and scarves if I wanted any to take home. We laughed A LOT as I tried on all different styles and colors of hats. Mom and Beth both took pictures, so I will post those soon for everyone's enjoyment. There were a couple of good ones I took home, but others were just not me. It was a fun way to pass the time though! :)

Before we knew it, I was done by about 12:30. It honestly went by so fast and I still felt good. We decided to stop by home and get the kids and go have some lunch while I had some energy. We decided on sandwiches at Great Harvest and it was delicious! That was about the extent of my energy, so I came home to rest while Mom and the kids went to get my prescriptions filled. Beth stayed home with me in case I needed anything. The roofers were still pounding away, but making good progress on our new roof. I finally fell asleep for about an hour or so and felt rejuvenated when I woke up.

While I was sleeping Court, Beth, and Mom color coded my prescription bottles with my highlighted medication schedule. I have several pills to take for the next few days to help fight nausea, fatigue, and generally keep my body working as smoothly as possible.

All in all, I still feel good. My feet are a little swelled and I have mild headache from some of my meds, but am continuing to rest. Tomorrow morning I go in for my ultrasound so they can get another baseline of the tumor size, as they will monitor that throughout treatment. In the afternoon, I go in for the Neulasta shot to boost my white blood cells. Rest and meds in between. Thanks to everyone for their texts, emails, posts on Facebook, etc. Keep 'em coming! :)

A Day of Answers

I tried all week not to focus that I might learn some answers today. I have focused mostly on recouping from Tuesday's surgery. I haven't had to take a lot of pain medication, but yesterday was definitely the worst day of pain so far. The port was inserted near the collarbone, so everytime I move in certain positions it gives me a sharp reminder that it's there. I had fairly limited mobility with my arms since so much of my upper chest area hurt, but was very happy this morning to wake up to the pain being much more manageable. Poor Courtney and Ryan have been cleaning, doing laundry, helping with ordinary everyday things that I found myself not being able to do, so this is much more doable being up and around. Limited activity...but doable!

This morning, I called my oncologist's office. She was pretty convinced she would get my results today, so she was wanting me to verify I would have an appointment this afternoon. When I called, they confirmed I should come in because the doctor wanted to see me. They gave no specific news as to results, just that Dr. O'Brien wanted to see me. This was at about 9:30 am and my appointment wasn't scheduled to be until 1:45, so I tried not to let my mind wander too much as to what our meeting might be like. Those few hours seemed to feel like days. I told myself, "This is it and that this is what you have been waiting for since you were diagnosed." While I was anxious to know, part of me was still so nervous for what was to come. Knowing that her answer of whether or not the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes would change the playing field so it made me apprehensive.

We got to Dr. O'Brien's office right on time. They took us back right away, but they were running behind. After close to an hour (and apologies from the nurses), Dr. O'Brien came in waiving the results paper with a grin on her face. She reported there was no cancer in the lymph nodes! What a HUGE relief! She continued on with our appointment explaining that she needed to talk to the surgeon to find out what she had seen during surgery and what our next course of action should be. Since the results just came in, she and Dr. Irani hadn't even had a chance to converse about it yet. There was some discussion as to whether we should truly start with chemo, or try to remove the tumor first with surgery. She excused herself and went and paged Dr. Irani right away so they could talk. I love that both of these women are so passionate about making the right choices for their patients and they communicate well with each other about how they both think it best to proceed. Soon, she was back and said they did want to start with chemo, the lighter version (woo-hoo!) in an effort to shrink that tumor off the muscle first and get clearer margins for surgery. She also reported that she wanted to start right away next week so we could get on it! I couldn't have agreed more.

She did a quick exam and measured my tumor from the outside, which she likened to trying to check to see how large an orange was when it was stuffed in a pillow. Funny analogy, but basically she was trying to say that things always feel larger from the outside. Even though her measurements were much larger, the original ultrasound measured it about 3 cm which is more of accurate figure of how big it is. She just wanted to have something for her to start with as we will be having to monitor the chemo's progress with periodic ultrasounds to make sure it is indeed shrinking the tumor. She also said since it hadn't traveled into the lymph nodes they could stage it as a Stage IIa breast cancer. This is not as good as Stage I, but a far cry from Stage III or IV which are more invasive.

So I left the office with an appointment to start chemo Monday morning first thing. She said to plan to spend the day there, as the first treatment will likely take close to 4 1/2 - 5 hours. Seems like a funny thing to wish for, but this was exactly what I hoped for this morning was that I could plan to start chemo at the very beginning of the week. My treatments will be spaced out once every 3 weeks, so my 4th and final treatment should be around the first week in October. I should then have a 2 - 3 week break before my double mastectomy.

So all in all, good news today! Pray for Monday that all goes well, and that the chemo is "nice" to me as we start this whole next phase. :)

Race for the Cure with Team Michelle

My cousin's wife added me as an honorary member of their company team for Portland Race for the Cure as soon as she heard about my diagnosis. I am honored to be part of that team and appreciate all those giving their time to raise awareness for something that has touched so many lives.

My daughter , Courtney felt strongly that she wanted to form a team in my name as many of her friends had expressed an interest in taking part to walk in my honor. Since she wasn't sure where to start she enlisted the help of friend, Anna Stahl. If you would like to be part of Team Michelle and participate in Race for the Cure, please go to www.komenoregon.org

Once you are on the website, you can click "join a team" (or if you don't want to join but just want to donate you can click "donate") under the Portland Race for the Cure box. The event will take place on Sunday, September 18. If you are joining the team, type in the team name "Team Michelle". Team captain will come up as Anna Stahl. Click the word "join" to the right of her name. You then will select "adult untimed walking and running" as your event as we will be doing a 5K walk. There is a $30 fee to join the team. Then you will fill out your personal info and choose 5K walk as your event on the next screen. Deadline to register is August 29.

There has been a lot of interest from friends to have Team Michelle shirts. This is something we will look into and find out how much that would be if enough people are interested.

If you have any questions about our team, please let me know and I will forward the info onto Courtney & Anna. It is my hope that Team Michelle will be out in full force to support the fundraising efforts for breast cancer research so that in the future we can find a cure!

One surgery down!

Yesterday, I went in to get my pre-admit done for my sentinel node procedure that was happening today. Pre-admit was pretty uneventful, as originally they were doing to do a bunch of blood work and a chest x-ray, but I had gotten all that within in the last 3 weeks, so I didn't have to go through that again. Yay me! :) Only blood test I got to have was a pregnancy test since I am still of "child bearing" age as they didn't want to put the radioactive dye in if there was a little Joel cooking. :) Happy to report...NOT PREGNANT! :) But, it was probably the most expensive pregnancy test I have ever taken. lol

After my pre-admit, I went to see my friend, Milton, who would be facilitating the radioactive dye that would be injected by the radiologist. Milton was very nice, put my mind at ease, and explained the procedure and how everything worked to my Mom and I. This blue dye gets injected in 4 injections around my nipple. (You ladies can imagine my eyes bugging out a little when he told me this, as all I could think was OUCHIE!) They inject there as that is where all the ducts are that run to the lymph nodes, so the blue dye causes the sentinel nodes (first nodes the cancer would travel to if it went to the nodes) to "light up" for the surgeon so she can remove them for testing. Radiologist, Dr. Siepmann, husband of a classmate from school did the injections. He was amazing, as despite the warning it could hurt even with lidocaine mixed with the injections, it really wasn't bad at all. I felt a slight sting on the first one, and the other 3 were pretty uneventful. He kept my mind busy as we talked about his wife and family. It is amazing to me what a small town McMinnville still seems to be, even after all these years. So far, everyone of my appointments or procedures has been guided by or assisted by someone I know or one of Courtney's friends' parents. It has been really comforting, and I don't consider it a coincidence at all that God put these people in my life at the right time.

This morning I checked in for my sentinel node removal and port placement. I got changed into a really awesome purple, paper gown with matching purple socks. I felt really stylin! Dr. Irani and the anesthesiologist came in to tell me what all I would be doing. They recommended for this procedure since she was doing a detailed removal of some nodes and would be moving my arm around some that the light "loopy" version of sedation may not be enough, so they recommended I go for general anestesic so I could sleep through the whole procedure. My nurse, Leanne, came in to escort me, and again, was pleasantly surprised that it was a parent to a friend of Courtney's. We talked a bit, and she wheeled me into the very chilly, sterile looking room where my procedures would be done. I remember there were a lot of people in the room, getting me moved to the table, and setting up. She was very reassuring and I remember her massaging my fingers to relax me while the sedation took effect. The port procedure was first and they put it in on the right side of my chest since my node procedure would be on the left. Dr. Irani said that was a relatively short procedure, maybe 15 minutes or so. Then she made about a 2 - 3 inch long incision under my left arm to remove 2 sentinel nodes and 2 additional lymph nodes. One of the additional lymph nodes she removed as it was the one biopsied and it had lot of scar tissue on it, and the other she removed as she didn't like the way it felt, so took it out. These will be sent out and supposedly I won't get the results back until early next week. My oncologist is going to try to call Friday to see if she can get any preliminary info as to whether any are cancerous or not so she can plan chemo treatment, so we will see if we get lucky enough to find something out Friday.

My whole procedure was about an hour or so, then before I knew it I woke up in recovery. Dr. Irani filled Tom and my Mom in on what she did during surgery while I recovered. Then soon they were able to come back to my room to see me. Nurses took a chest x-ray, gave me some soup/crackers, and gave me some pain meds and after about half hour or so, I was good to go. The whole procedure was tiring, so I was anxious to go home and rest.

Pain isn't terrible tonight, so I am opting for tylenol vs. the oxycodone they prescribed. My tummy isn't a huge fan of meds, so as long as things don't get too unbearable, I will try this route.

Thanks again for all of your prayers and words of encouragement today. Hoping for good news as early as Friday, but knowing that is only a remote possibility, so will try to get my mind geared to wait til after the weekend.

Wigs, Meals, & Gifts...Oh My!

Yesterday, my mom, Court, Ry and I went shopping at Costco and decided to stop and look at some wigs and hats at a nearby shop a friend had recommended. It was definitely not what I had planned to do yesterday...afterall, we were all SUPPOSED to be on an airplane to Hawaii! But, we had a good time trying things on and in the end we put a wig on hold and my mom bought me a couple of hats for when my hair loss sets in within the next few weeks. Personally, I think this wig is PERFECT for me! :) Don't you agree? :)




You will have to wait to see me in person to see the wig I really chose!

This morning, I was surprised by Courtney's dance studio director showing up on my doorstep with LOTS of great meals for my freezer and stocking our pantry shelves! Several families had made various things to help us out on days when I didn't feel up to cooking. Courtney had been in on the whole thing giving them meal ideas and coordinating the drop off. It was pretty amazing at how many people jumped in to help in such a huge way! Again, I know I say this almost every post, but the support from friends has just been so great! WOW is all I can say!

And then tonight, Tom came home and decided we should all go out to dinner. We headed for Thai Country, but they were closed :( so we had Golden Valley instead. He secretly carried a gift bag in and at the end of dinner I unwrapped it and it was a new iPad 2 :) The family wanted me to have something to help pass the time while I was in chemo or when I needed to be entertained while resting. What a great gift!

I am very lucky to have such great people in my life!

Finally some good news!

I received a call this morning from Dr. Irani's nurse telling me that my lymph node biopsy results came back negative for cancer!! YAY!!!!!! Such great news...my next step is to confirm these results are accurate by having the sentinel node procedure done. I will go in next Monday, July 25 to have the special dye injected. The dye will do its "magic" overnight and I will go in Tuesday morning for the removal of the sentinel node as well as get my port put in for my upcoming treatments. The sentinel node will be sent out for testing so will we get to WAIT for up to a week for that result to come back. The prayer is that it also comes back negative so that I can proceed with the lighter version of chemo!

One other prayer was answered last night. We were able to find our almost 1 year old puppy, Marley, a good home to be with a family that can give her all the love and attention she needs. They were excited to get her, and we were excited she was going to a great family! We will miss her as even though she was a bundle of energy, she had become a part of our family. Just knowing this new family has love and time to devote to her is very comforting for all of us.

Keep those prayers coming! Thanks again to everyone for your continued support and all the love you have shown our family!

I am truly blessed...

One thing has become very clear in the last couple of weeks since my diagnosis. I have the most supportive friends and family you could ever imagine! I have been overwhelmed at the amount of generosity, love and support that has come my way. Those close to me as well as people I haven't been overly close with in years have offered food, rides, a shoulder to cry on, and everything else imaginable. God has truly blessed me by making each and every one of you a part of my life. My good friend Beth told me when we were first talking about my diagnosis that she and her family were there for me and so happy to be part of "Team Michelle". This is how I came up with the name for my blog, as you are all a key part of my team. You are my prayer team, my support team, my "help me even if I may not even know I need help" team. :) I can't think of any better people to have by my side in this long road ahead! Thank you to each and every one of you for the gift of friendship you have given me. It truly is appreciated more than you can ever know! GO TEAM MICHELLE!!! :) Let's show this cancer who is boss!

Another biopsy...fun!

So, a couple of days passed and I called to check in to see if we had gotten any results from the MRI. Dr. Irani said they had just gotten the results back and the MRI revealed a few more masses in that breast and some lymph nodes that looked abnormal. She also said that the tumor had attached itself to my pectoral muscle, so the tumor would need to be shrunk some before they did surgery. I also needed a lymph node biopsy to see if the cancer had spread in the lymph nodes! UGH...another biopsy, which meant...you guessed it! MORE WAITING!

As the conversation unfolded, I began to understand that the fact the tumor would need to shrink meant that one of the treatments I was hoping to not have at all would actually be the first plan of attack to get the cancer removed from my body! They will need to start with chemotherapy and I have known enough people with cancer to know this is not a fun process.

The next afternoon my mom, Tom, and I met with my Oncologist, Dr. O'Brien to get all of our questions answered. She is going to be an amazing doctor to have on my side. She is thoughtful, detailed, and very open to answering any questions about this big process ahead. We spent an hour there and also "toured" the chemo room where my treatments will be. Depending on the results of my lymph node biopsy, I will either have a 2 drug chemo cocktail for 4 treatments spaced 3 weeks apart, or a 3 drug chemo cocktail for 6 treatments spaced 3 weeks apart. The latter she referred to as "throwing the kitchen sink" at the cancer as it was the more aggressive of the two treatment plans. Needless to say, I am praying for option 1!

Friday morning came and it was time for my ultrasound guided lymph node biopsy. My friend Jerri was off that day, but she saw to it that her good friend Alaina was taking good care of me that morning. Alaina was amazing and she made the procedure as easy and comfortable as it could be. They took a few samples of the enlarged and abnormally shaped lymph node the MRI revealed. I hope to have answers by Tuesday at the latest...and if I have paid enough of my "waiting dues" maybe some miracle will happen and we will hear by Monday! Basically what we are praying for is for the samples to come back negative for cancer. A positive result would get me the "kitchen sink" version of chemo. A negative result however will mean going through likely one more test. It's a sentinel node test and this is to have a special dye injected. The sentinel node is the first node the cancer would have traveled to, so if it comes back negative then we KNOW we are in the clear with the lymph nodes and can proceed with the less aggressive chemo option we are praying for. This test is a little more invasive so that is why they didn't start with that test before the biopsy of the other lymph node.

Off to do more waiting...will keep everyone posted as I know more.

The Dreaded MRI...

The Monday after my diagnosis, I went to Newberg to get a breast MRI. Apparently this would tell them if there were any other suspicious masses in either breast, and it was more reliable than just looking at ultrasound alone. I dreaded that MRI all weekend. I got a prescription for anxiety meds as I could not imagine having to go in this tube and not going completely crazy.

I checked in Monday morning, and walked into the room confident and told myself I could do this. Then I saw the machine and my stomach started doing cartwheels, somersaults, and pretty much everything in me screamed, "I can't do this!" The lady explained the test would be about 35-40 minutes and that the last 10 minutes they would inject a contrast into my IV and I would have to lay perfectly still as that contrast would travel to places in "question". I laid facedown on the table and got as "comfortable" as possible. The nurse set me up with headphones and my selection of music to pass the time. She pushed the tube part way in and because I was facedown I had no real sense of how far in or out of the machine I was. I remember taking a deep breath and thinking, "Alright, I can do this, I can still see a little light from the room and I am not in that far afterall." Boy was I wrong! That nurse said to me, "You doing okay? I'm going to push you the rest of the way in now." Seriously? I was going in further? As she pushed me in that dark tunnel, I felt my pulse quicken and my body sending all sorts of messages to my brain saying "Get me the heck out of here!" It literally felt like I was being pushed into a coffin to be buried alive! (Not that I know what that feels like, but I'm pretty certain it must feel something like this!)

The nurse checked in with me one more time and asked if I was doing okay. "No, I am really not okay", I replied. She had her pep speech all prepared for me and simply replied with, "Well, you are going to have to do it sometime, so we might as well do it today and get it over with. You are going to be okay. Take a couple of deep breaths and try to relax." Sure, try to relax. My heart was beating out of my chest, but soon the music started and I tried to immerse myself in the songs playing. My friend, Beth, had been over the day before and said just keep talking to yourself and tell yourself every minute in there is a minute done and you are closer to having it behind you. I did this and sang in my head to myself. I remember calculating that an average song was probably 3 minutes and I was going to count to about 11 songs and I would be about done. Small problem...when the jackhammer sound starts up when the machine is taking a reading 4-5 minutes at a time, it is pretty hard to HEAR the music. I started making songs up in my head and let myself get lost in a happy place...Hawaii. Our family had planned a trip for almost a year now to go to Hawaii. My dad had left a note for all of us that if anything happened to him at the hospital that he wanted us to go as a family anyway. My mom had struggled with that, and finally was getting to the point of feeling okayish (as okay as we could) about going until my diagnosis blew that trip right out of the water! The real Hawaii will have to wait, but I put myself on that beach and continued my songs in my head during the next 25 minutes or so. Soon the contrast was injected into my IV and I felt myself tense up again. What if I moved, or sneezed, or coughed? I would have gone through all of that 25 minutes for nothing. I spent the next 10 minutes praying that God would just bring peace and quiet to my body....a strange thing to pray for, but whatever got me through the moment! After what felt like an eternity, I was pulled out of the machine and on my way home. Results would not come for likely a few days, so although I had become accustomed to hearing I would have to wait a few days for answers, the waiting did not get any easier.

Really? Right now, God?

I was just diagnosed with breast cancer on July 6, 2011. Since then, my world has been turned upside down with various tests, and waiting followed by more waiting!

As most of you know, my dad recently died very unexpectedly after what was supposed to a "routine" heart valve repair. Instead of routine, my mom and I spent nearly every day for 3 1/2 weeks in May/June going to St. Vincent's asking the doctors for answers as to why my dad's red blood cells were destroying themselves. He went through every test (and specialist) imaginable, and in the end his body just couldn't fight anymore. Right before he was scheduled to have surgery, I started noticing a pain in the side of my left breast. It was as if someone had elbowed me hard! I didn't have a lot of time to give it much thought and figured it would pass and that likely I had either run into something or someone had really elbowed me and I had just forgotten. After about 2 -3 weeks the pain was still there. Soon that pain turned into a lump I could feel. It was the Sunday before my dad died, and I remember just standing there with a sinking feeling thinking "Really? Right now, God?" Our family was on emotional and physical overload and my dad's condition was not improving. Now was NOT the time to have me discover this. I can't explain why to this day, but when I found the lump I had a gut feeling it was not just "any" lump.

Later that week, my dad passed away and the only person that knew of this lump was my husband, Tom. He kept saying, "Michelle, you have to go get it checked." I knew I needed to, but part of me really felt if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. I couldn't deal with this right now, my mom didn't need one more thing to think about, and I just kept trying to push it out of my mind. The week after the memorial service, I decided it was time to call the doctor. I went in and they recommended I get a mammogram and an ultrasound just to rule everything out. When they called to make the appointment however, the appointments for the breast center were a week out. Knowing what my family had already been through, the doctor made a couple calls, and got me set up to see a surgeon in the hopes that they could check it out with a biopsy and get a clean bill of health. He also recommended I talk to my mom about everything and tell her what was going on. He has known us a long time and knows my mom and I are very close, and her not knowing what I was going through would only make it worse. He really encouraged me to talk to her, so that night I did. She was shocked, but she also dealt with it as my mom deals with everything...with strength, determination and positive thinking.

A couple of days later, I went to Dr. Irani's office. She was so kind and reassuring. She did the biopsy, and warned me that sometimes when they do them without the guide of an ultrasound they can miss the actual spot, but she would try her best. I waited all weekend for the results and she called Monday afternoon with the news I was dying to hear, "Your lump was benign." She wanted to make sure I had my mammo/ultrasound still scheduled just so the radiologists could make sure everything was okay and get a baseline mammo since I just turned 40 in April. So, a couple more days and my mom and I went to the hospital to get this done once and for all.

Unfortunately, God had other plans. The radiologist didn't like the way my a couple of areas looked on the mammogram or the ultrasound. He ordered an ultrasound guided biopsy for the next day. He did a lot of talk about primary and secondary cancer cells and my mom and I both exchanged glances like we couldn't believe what we were hearing. I went in on the 30th of June for my ultrasound biopsy. I was so happy when my friend, Jerri, was going to be my ultrasound tech. She kept me conversing and kept my mind off what Dr. Rickards was doing and before I knew it we were done. But now.... MORE WAITING! 4th of July was on Monday, so test results would likely be delayed til Tuesday! I can tell you that felt like the longest 5 days of my life! Tuesday came and I got on the phone to check with the doctor first thing to see if any results had come in, only to get the response that pathology was really backed up from the holiday and vacations, so it would take an extra day. Seriously? 5 days wasn't enough for me to wait, I had to wait 24 more hours?

Wednesday, July 6th came and early that afternoon I received a call from my doctor. She was supposed to be on vacation that week, so I knew when she called me personally from vacation the news was not going to be positive. The words came over the phone "the test results came back and confirmed you have an invasive form of breast cancer. I'm so sorry hun." and all I could do was sit there. I had been ready to hear that news, as I had felt it deep in my gut, but still the news just numbed me. I tried to write notes and tried to make sense of all she was telling me, but nothing was making sense. My whole world just got turned upside down!