Really? Right now, God?

I was just diagnosed with breast cancer on July 6, 2011. Since then, my world has been turned upside down with various tests, and waiting followed by more waiting!

As most of you know, my dad recently died very unexpectedly after what was supposed to a "routine" heart valve repair. Instead of routine, my mom and I spent nearly every day for 3 1/2 weeks in May/June going to St. Vincent's asking the doctors for answers as to why my dad's red blood cells were destroying themselves. He went through every test (and specialist) imaginable, and in the end his body just couldn't fight anymore. Right before he was scheduled to have surgery, I started noticing a pain in the side of my left breast. It was as if someone had elbowed me hard! I didn't have a lot of time to give it much thought and figured it would pass and that likely I had either run into something or someone had really elbowed me and I had just forgotten. After about 2 -3 weeks the pain was still there. Soon that pain turned into a lump I could feel. It was the Sunday before my dad died, and I remember just standing there with a sinking feeling thinking "Really? Right now, God?" Our family was on emotional and physical overload and my dad's condition was not improving. Now was NOT the time to have me discover this. I can't explain why to this day, but when I found the lump I had a gut feeling it was not just "any" lump.

Later that week, my dad passed away and the only person that knew of this lump was my husband, Tom. He kept saying, "Michelle, you have to go get it checked." I knew I needed to, but part of me really felt if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. I couldn't deal with this right now, my mom didn't need one more thing to think about, and I just kept trying to push it out of my mind. The week after the memorial service, I decided it was time to call the doctor. I went in and they recommended I get a mammogram and an ultrasound just to rule everything out. When they called to make the appointment however, the appointments for the breast center were a week out. Knowing what my family had already been through, the doctor made a couple calls, and got me set up to see a surgeon in the hopes that they could check it out with a biopsy and get a clean bill of health. He also recommended I talk to my mom about everything and tell her what was going on. He has known us a long time and knows my mom and I are very close, and her not knowing what I was going through would only make it worse. He really encouraged me to talk to her, so that night I did. She was shocked, but she also dealt with it as my mom deals with everything...with strength, determination and positive thinking.

A couple of days later, I went to Dr. Irani's office. She was so kind and reassuring. She did the biopsy, and warned me that sometimes when they do them without the guide of an ultrasound they can miss the actual spot, but she would try her best. I waited all weekend for the results and she called Monday afternoon with the news I was dying to hear, "Your lump was benign." She wanted to make sure I had my mammo/ultrasound still scheduled just so the radiologists could make sure everything was okay and get a baseline mammo since I just turned 40 in April. So, a couple more days and my mom and I went to the hospital to get this done once and for all.

Unfortunately, God had other plans. The radiologist didn't like the way my a couple of areas looked on the mammogram or the ultrasound. He ordered an ultrasound guided biopsy for the next day. He did a lot of talk about primary and secondary cancer cells and my mom and I both exchanged glances like we couldn't believe what we were hearing. I went in on the 30th of June for my ultrasound biopsy. I was so happy when my friend, Jerri, was going to be my ultrasound tech. She kept me conversing and kept my mind off what Dr. Rickards was doing and before I knew it we were done. But now.... MORE WAITING! 4th of July was on Monday, so test results would likely be delayed til Tuesday! I can tell you that felt like the longest 5 days of my life! Tuesday came and I got on the phone to check with the doctor first thing to see if any results had come in, only to get the response that pathology was really backed up from the holiday and vacations, so it would take an extra day. Seriously? 5 days wasn't enough for me to wait, I had to wait 24 more hours?

Wednesday, July 6th came and early that afternoon I received a call from my doctor. She was supposed to be on vacation that week, so I knew when she called me personally from vacation the news was not going to be positive. The words came over the phone "the test results came back and confirmed you have an invasive form of breast cancer. I'm so sorry hun." and all I could do was sit there. I had been ready to hear that news, as I had felt it deep in my gut, but still the news just numbed me. I tried to write notes and tried to make sense of all she was telling me, but nothing was making sense. My whole world just got turned upside down!