I had chemo 4 on Monday, Oct. 3, and it hit me pretty hard compared to the others. I spent 10 days being extremely fatigued, and since I try to be totally honest on this blog, I spent the better part of a week pooping my brains out! And at the end of that got a couple of small hemorroids to deal with. This week, I have felt much better, so that has been a nice change!
I know the chemo is working, as I have a harder time feeling the lump. But some days that doesn't feel like enough. I had plenty of days of feeling discouraged, frustrated, and just plain DONE with this whole journey. All of these things I can't control, because it just isn't in my hands. On a good day, I know this, but on a bad day it just feels so big and overwhelming. It really isn't fair to those that have a much bigger struggle in life to feel so overwhelmed as I have so much to be thankful for, and I know this too, but again found myself having days where I just didn't feel like anything was going my way. I also find myself much more emotional during chemo, and I don't know if it was because my Dad's birthday would have been on the 2nd of October, that I am just now really taking time to deal (or try to deal) with my grief of the last few months that my brain just couldn't deal with before now. Simple things would bring me to tears, and then other times I could reflect back and just be at peace with it all. This is an important part of the grieving process, so I can accept this as God's way of healing my heart.
I dreamed up a perfect plan in my head that my ultrasound would show such a huge amount of decay and be so small that perhaps I could escape these last two treatments. I didn't let myself get too excited about the prospect, as I knew it was a far fetched plan. But oh, wouldn't it be nice to have this part behind me! I went to see my friend, Jerri, Wednesday for my ultrasound and jokingly told her when she asked how I was doing that her only job that day was to have a hard time finding my tumor and having everyone proclaim "NO MORE CHEMO". She laughed and said she didn't create the miracles, she simply reads what is there and someone much bigger is in control. I agree...but a girl can dream, right? :) The good news is the tumor is shrinking, despite the overall measurement being about the same. The picture below shows a heart shaped tumor (sort of a strange irony in my opinion). The inside of the tumor (near the center) shows the solid portion of the mass that remains, however the cells around it have significant decaying (referred to as necrosis) and show great signs that the chemo is doing its job. The dead part just hasn't fallen off yet, so the overall tumor still measures pretty close to before, but the important part is a good portion of the cancerous tumor is losing its battle. Praise God! Jerri brought my radiologist,Dr. Siepmann, in had him take time to explain all of this to us. He knew I was wanting to forego treatments, but had such a great way of explaining it to me that if we quit treaments now, we would be gambling on whether or not the tumor would continue to decay enough to provide clear enough margins for a successful surgery and total removal of the cancer. When you put it that way, who can argue what is best.
So, tonight I am gearing up for another round of chemo in the morning. My oncologist worked with me to move my chemo up a couple of days for each of the two remaining treatments so that I could hopefully be ready for surgery sooner than mid-December. My surgeon however is having shoulder surgery the week of Thanksgiving, so my most favorable date of November 30th was quickly dashed as she felt she may not be back at 100% by that date. Totally understandable, but still disappointing. My surgery is instead tentatively scheduled for Wednesday, December 7. My white blood cell count has to cooperate and be where it needs to be, so please continue to pray that when that date nears, that it will be where we need it to be. All of my other pre-surgery criteria has been met. I have had my chest x-ray back in July, and I had my EKG on Wednesday when I was at the hospital already. We also have an appointment scheduled with a couple of plastic surgeons so that we can plan my future reconstruction and they can consult with my surgeon prior to my bilateral mastectomy about the best way to go about my surgery for my desired end result.
Today, I woke up with a small cold starting. I am hoping it stays mild, and that it doesn't mess with my white blood cell count for the morning. I will try to keep everyone updated as best I can. I had so many gifts of encouragement this last few weeks, and I appreciate you all so much! I have had special treats (food, jewelry, scarves, books, cards, emails, texts, etc.) people sent or brought just because they wanted to brighten my day or say they were thinking of our family. Each of you are truly a gift I am thankful for.
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