Our Chosen Path - To Radiate or Not to Radiate

Yesterday I met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Kang, along with my regular oncologist Dr. O'Brien. As promised, Dr. Kang contacted other colleagues and professionals in his field getting their input on if I was indeed a good candidate for radiation therapy. We had a good talk yesterday about how confident I felt about the cancer being fully removed during surgery due to the chemotherapy giving an opportunity for such clear margins, as well as the pros and cons of using radiation as a therapy for me. Leading up to most appointments, I have always had a clear vision of what I am hoping for or what direction I would like things to go. This was honestly the first time I can remember that I didn't really know what to hope for. Given the conversation from last week, it was clear to me that either path -to radiate or not to radiate- had its own set of risks. Either direction required a leap of faith on my part. While I am a devote Christian, I must admit that doing those leaps of faith is a struggle for me. I am a bit of a control freak , and like to plan to the best of my ability the best path for the future I want. I know that God will always prevail, but there is just something about me that requires an active role in the decision process. In this scenario however, there was no clear "winner" in my mind of how this should play out.

Dr. Kang said that his colleagues, as well as himself, could make a case for going either direction. It was really a 50/50 decision. While a good part of me knows that statistics are just that...only statistics and not a guarantee, it was mind-boggling to feel like I was playing a bit of a "roll of the dice game" with my life. One side *could* bring a higher risk of cancer recurrence, the other side *could* bring on a risk of cancer just by trying to prevent recurrence. This may seem extreme, but whenever he was presenting facts about what statisically can happen in 20 years with either scenario, part of my brain was occupied with flash forwards of all the life I wanted to live. I have a husband I want to grow old with, kids I want to watch take the next important steps in life, and I want to be healthy enough to play with my grandkids in 20 years. How could I know which path I should choose when there was no crystal ball to look in to learn the outcome? He asked how I felt about the facts that were presented, and I really didn't know what direction to go. I decided to turn it back to him and said, "If this was one of your loved ones you were treating, how would you proceed?" He said that given the risks of radiation effects and my age, and based on how confident they were with the margins they got during surgery, he would opt for no radiation. I looked at Dr. O'Brien, who has been just the right amount of cautious and aggressive along the way during my treatments, and she concurred. They both agreed that I would be closely monitored with MRIs and check ups, as well as starting with 5 year hormone treatment, Tamoxifen, to block the estrogen that fed my cancer. And with that, the decision had been made.

There are very real benefits to this option. I get to be done with treatments a lot sooner than expected. After just a couple more tissue expansions, I can go in for reconstructive surgery and be on my way to the "new normal". I am excited about that, but just needed some time to wrap my mind around the change in the path I had been planning to take since diagnosis. I feel good about it as of today. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a little voice of anxiety in there wondering if this was the "right" choice. But honestly, that would be there regardless of which way we decided to proceed. It's the voice of the unknown. But for now, I have taken the leap of faith and it's in God's hands. Knowing He holds the key to the future is a good place to be.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving present your requests to God." Phillipians 4:6