I tried all week not to focus that I might learn some answers today. I have focused mostly on recouping from Tuesday's surgery. I haven't had to take a lot of pain medication, but yesterday was definitely the worst day of pain so far. The port was inserted near the collarbone, so everytime I move in certain positions it gives me a sharp reminder that it's there. I had fairly limited mobility with my arms since so much of my upper chest area hurt, but was very happy this morning to wake up to the pain being much more manageable. Poor Courtney and Ryan have been cleaning, doing laundry, helping with ordinary everyday things that I found myself not being able to do, so this is much more doable being up and around. Limited activity...but doable!
This morning, I called my oncologist's office. She was pretty convinced she would get my results today, so she was wanting me to verify I would have an appointment this afternoon. When I called, they confirmed I should come in because the doctor wanted to see me. They gave no specific news as to results, just that Dr. O'Brien wanted to see me. This was at about 9:30 am and my appointment wasn't scheduled to be until 1:45, so I tried not to let my mind wander too much as to what our meeting might be like. Those few hours seemed to feel like days. I told myself, "This is it and that this is what you have been waiting for since you were diagnosed." While I was anxious to know, part of me was still so nervous for what was to come. Knowing that her answer of whether or not the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes would change the playing field so it made me apprehensive.
We got to Dr. O'Brien's office right on time. They took us back right away, but they were running behind. After close to an hour (and apologies from the nurses), Dr. O'Brien came in waiving the results paper with a grin on her face. She reported there was no cancer in the lymph nodes! What a HUGE relief! She continued on with our appointment explaining that she needed to talk to the surgeon to find out what she had seen during surgery and what our next course of action should be. Since the results just came in, she and Dr. Irani hadn't even had a chance to converse about it yet. There was some discussion as to whether we should truly start with chemo, or try to remove the tumor first with surgery. She excused herself and went and paged Dr. Irani right away so they could talk. I love that both of these women are so passionate about making the right choices for their patients and they communicate well with each other about how they both think it best to proceed. Soon, she was back and said they did want to start with chemo, the lighter version (woo-hoo!) in an effort to shrink that tumor off the muscle first and get clearer margins for surgery. She also reported that she wanted to start right away next week so we could get on it! I couldn't have agreed more.
She did a quick exam and measured my tumor from the outside, which she likened to trying to check to see how large an orange was when it was stuffed in a pillow. Funny analogy, but basically she was trying to say that things always feel larger from the outside. Even though her measurements were much larger, the original ultrasound measured it about 3 cm which is more of accurate figure of how big it is. She just wanted to have something for her to start with as we will be having to monitor the chemo's progress with periodic ultrasounds to make sure it is indeed shrinking the tumor. She also said since it hadn't traveled into the lymph nodes they could stage it as a Stage IIa breast cancer. This is not as good as Stage I, but a far cry from Stage III or IV which are more invasive.
So I left the office with an appointment to start chemo Monday morning first thing. She said to plan to spend the day there, as the first treatment will likely take close to 4 1/2 - 5 hours. Seems like a funny thing to wish for, but this was exactly what I hoped for this morning was that I could plan to start chemo at the very beginning of the week. My treatments will be spaced out once every 3 weeks, so my 4th and final treatment should be around the first week in October. I should then have a 2 - 3 week break before my double mastectomy.
So all in all, good news today! Pray for Monday that all goes well, and that the chemo is "nice" to me as we start this whole next phase. :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Race for the Cure with Team Michelle
My cousin's wife added me as an honorary member of their company team for Portland Race for the Cure as soon as she heard about my diagnosis. I am honored to be part of that team and appreciate all those giving their time to raise awareness for something that has touched so many lives.
My daughter , Courtney felt strongly that she wanted to form a team in my name as many of her friends had expressed an interest in taking part to walk in my honor. Since she wasn't sure where to start she enlisted the help of friend, Anna Stahl. If you would like to be part of Team Michelle and participate in Race for the Cure, please go to www.komenoregon.org
Once you are on the website, you can click "join a team" (or if you don't want to join but just want to donate you can click "donate") under the Portland Race for the Cure box. The event will take place on Sunday, September 18. If you are joining the team, type in the team name "Team Michelle". Team captain will come up as Anna Stahl. Click the word "join" to the right of her name. You then will select "adult untimed walking and running" as your event as we will be doing a 5K walk. There is a $30 fee to join the team. Then you will fill out your personal info and choose 5K walk as your event on the next screen. Deadline to register is August 29.
There has been a lot of interest from friends to have Team Michelle shirts. This is something we will look into and find out how much that would be if enough people are interested.
If you have any questions about our team, please let me know and I will forward the info onto Courtney & Anna. It is my hope that Team Michelle will be out in full force to support the fundraising efforts for breast cancer research so that in the future we can find a cure!
My daughter , Courtney felt strongly that she wanted to form a team in my name as many of her friends had expressed an interest in taking part to walk in my honor. Since she wasn't sure where to start she enlisted the help of friend, Anna Stahl. If you would like to be part of Team Michelle and participate in Race for the Cure, please go to www.komenoregon.org
Once you are on the website, you can click "join a team" (or if you don't want to join but just want to donate you can click "donate") under the Portland Race for the Cure box. The event will take place on Sunday, September 18. If you are joining the team, type in the team name "Team Michelle". Team captain will come up as Anna Stahl. Click the word "join" to the right of her name. You then will select "adult untimed walking and running" as your event as we will be doing a 5K walk. There is a $30 fee to join the team. Then you will fill out your personal info and choose 5K walk as your event on the next screen. Deadline to register is August 29.
There has been a lot of interest from friends to have Team Michelle shirts. This is something we will look into and find out how much that would be if enough people are interested.
If you have any questions about our team, please let me know and I will forward the info onto Courtney & Anna. It is my hope that Team Michelle will be out in full force to support the fundraising efforts for breast cancer research so that in the future we can find a cure!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
One surgery down!
Yesterday, I went in to get my pre-admit done for my sentinel node procedure that was happening today. Pre-admit was pretty uneventful, as originally they were doing to do a bunch of blood work and a chest x-ray, but I had gotten all that within in the last 3 weeks, so I didn't have to go through that again. Yay me! :) Only blood test I got to have was a pregnancy test since I am still of "child bearing" age as they didn't want to put the radioactive dye in if there was a little Joel cooking. :) Happy to report...NOT PREGNANT! :) But, it was probably the most expensive pregnancy test I have ever taken. lol
After my pre-admit, I went to see my friend, Milton, who would be facilitating the radioactive dye that would be injected by the radiologist. Milton was very nice, put my mind at ease, and explained the procedure and how everything worked to my Mom and I. This blue dye gets injected in 4 injections around my nipple. (You ladies can imagine my eyes bugging out a little when he told me this, as all I could think was OUCHIE!) They inject there as that is where all the ducts are that run to the lymph nodes, so the blue dye causes the sentinel nodes (first nodes the cancer would travel to if it went to the nodes) to "light up" for the surgeon so she can remove them for testing. Radiologist, Dr. Siepmann, husband of a classmate from school did the injections. He was amazing, as despite the warning it could hurt even with lidocaine mixed with the injections, it really wasn't bad at all. I felt a slight sting on the first one, and the other 3 were pretty uneventful. He kept my mind busy as we talked about his wife and family. It is amazing to me what a small town McMinnville still seems to be, even after all these years. So far, everyone of my appointments or procedures has been guided by or assisted by someone I know or one of Courtney's friends' parents. It has been really comforting, and I don't consider it a coincidence at all that God put these people in my life at the right time.
This morning I checked in for my sentinel node removal and port placement. I got changed into a really awesome purple, paper gown with matching purple socks. I felt really stylin! Dr. Irani and the anesthesiologist came in to tell me what all I would be doing. They recommended for this procedure since she was doing a detailed removal of some nodes and would be moving my arm around some that the light "loopy" version of sedation may not be enough, so they recommended I go for general anestesic so I could sleep through the whole procedure. My nurse, Leanne, came in to escort me, and again, was pleasantly surprised that it was a parent to a friend of Courtney's. We talked a bit, and she wheeled me into the very chilly, sterile looking room where my procedures would be done. I remember there were a lot of people in the room, getting me moved to the table, and setting up. She was very reassuring and I remember her massaging my fingers to relax me while the sedation took effect. The port procedure was first and they put it in on the right side of my chest since my node procedure would be on the left. Dr. Irani said that was a relatively short procedure, maybe 15 minutes or so. Then she made about a 2 - 3 inch long incision under my left arm to remove 2 sentinel nodes and 2 additional lymph nodes. One of the additional lymph nodes she removed as it was the one biopsied and it had lot of scar tissue on it, and the other she removed as she didn't like the way it felt, so took it out. These will be sent out and supposedly I won't get the results back until early next week. My oncologist is going to try to call Friday to see if she can get any preliminary info as to whether any are cancerous or not so she can plan chemo treatment, so we will see if we get lucky enough to find something out Friday.
My whole procedure was about an hour or so, then before I knew it I woke up in recovery. Dr. Irani filled Tom and my Mom in on what she did during surgery while I recovered. Then soon they were able to come back to my room to see me. Nurses took a chest x-ray, gave me some soup/crackers, and gave me some pain meds and after about half hour or so, I was good to go. The whole procedure was tiring, so I was anxious to go home and rest.
Pain isn't terrible tonight, so I am opting for tylenol vs. the oxycodone they prescribed. My tummy isn't a huge fan of meds, so as long as things don't get too unbearable, I will try this route.
Thanks again for all of your prayers and words of encouragement today. Hoping for good news as early as Friday, but knowing that is only a remote possibility, so will try to get my mind geared to wait til after the weekend.
After my pre-admit, I went to see my friend, Milton, who would be facilitating the radioactive dye that would be injected by the radiologist. Milton was very nice, put my mind at ease, and explained the procedure and how everything worked to my Mom and I. This blue dye gets injected in 4 injections around my nipple. (You ladies can imagine my eyes bugging out a little when he told me this, as all I could think was OUCHIE!) They inject there as that is where all the ducts are that run to the lymph nodes, so the blue dye causes the sentinel nodes (first nodes the cancer would travel to if it went to the nodes) to "light up" for the surgeon so she can remove them for testing. Radiologist, Dr. Siepmann, husband of a classmate from school did the injections. He was amazing, as despite the warning it could hurt even with lidocaine mixed with the injections, it really wasn't bad at all. I felt a slight sting on the first one, and the other 3 were pretty uneventful. He kept my mind busy as we talked about his wife and family. It is amazing to me what a small town McMinnville still seems to be, even after all these years. So far, everyone of my appointments or procedures has been guided by or assisted by someone I know or one of Courtney's friends' parents. It has been really comforting, and I don't consider it a coincidence at all that God put these people in my life at the right time.
This morning I checked in for my sentinel node removal and port placement. I got changed into a really awesome purple, paper gown with matching purple socks. I felt really stylin! Dr. Irani and the anesthesiologist came in to tell me what all I would be doing. They recommended for this procedure since she was doing a detailed removal of some nodes and would be moving my arm around some that the light "loopy" version of sedation may not be enough, so they recommended I go for general anestesic so I could sleep through the whole procedure. My nurse, Leanne, came in to escort me, and again, was pleasantly surprised that it was a parent to a friend of Courtney's. We talked a bit, and she wheeled me into the very chilly, sterile looking room where my procedures would be done. I remember there were a lot of people in the room, getting me moved to the table, and setting up. She was very reassuring and I remember her massaging my fingers to relax me while the sedation took effect. The port procedure was first and they put it in on the right side of my chest since my node procedure would be on the left. Dr. Irani said that was a relatively short procedure, maybe 15 minutes or so. Then she made about a 2 - 3 inch long incision under my left arm to remove 2 sentinel nodes and 2 additional lymph nodes. One of the additional lymph nodes she removed as it was the one biopsied and it had lot of scar tissue on it, and the other she removed as she didn't like the way it felt, so took it out. These will be sent out and supposedly I won't get the results back until early next week. My oncologist is going to try to call Friday to see if she can get any preliminary info as to whether any are cancerous or not so she can plan chemo treatment, so we will see if we get lucky enough to find something out Friday.
My whole procedure was about an hour or so, then before I knew it I woke up in recovery. Dr. Irani filled Tom and my Mom in on what she did during surgery while I recovered. Then soon they were able to come back to my room to see me. Nurses took a chest x-ray, gave me some soup/crackers, and gave me some pain meds and after about half hour or so, I was good to go. The whole procedure was tiring, so I was anxious to go home and rest.
Pain isn't terrible tonight, so I am opting for tylenol vs. the oxycodone they prescribed. My tummy isn't a huge fan of meds, so as long as things don't get too unbearable, I will try this route.
Thanks again for all of your prayers and words of encouragement today. Hoping for good news as early as Friday, but knowing that is only a remote possibility, so will try to get my mind geared to wait til after the weekend.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Wigs, Meals, & Gifts...Oh My!
Yesterday, my mom, Court, Ry and I went shopping at Costco and decided to stop and look at some wigs and hats at a nearby shop a friend had recommended. It was definitely not what I had planned to do yesterday...afterall, we were all SUPPOSED to be on an airplane to Hawaii! But, we had a good time trying things on and in the end we put a wig on hold and my mom bought me a couple of hats for when my hair loss sets in within the next few weeks. Personally, I think this wig is PERFECT for me! :) Don't you agree? :)
You will have to wait to see me in person to see the wig I really chose!
This morning, I was surprised by Courtney's dance studio director showing up on my doorstep with LOTS of great meals for my freezer and stocking our pantry shelves! Several families had made various things to help us out on days when I didn't feel up to cooking. Courtney had been in on the whole thing giving them meal ideas and coordinating the drop off. It was pretty amazing at how many people jumped in to help in such a huge way! Again, I know I say this almost every post, but the support from friends has just been so great! WOW is all I can say!
And then tonight, Tom came home and decided we should all go out to dinner. We headed for Thai Country, but they were closed :( so we had Golden Valley instead. He secretly carried a gift bag in and at the end of dinner I unwrapped it and it was a new iPad 2 :) The family wanted me to have something to help pass the time while I was in chemo or when I needed to be entertained while resting. What a great gift!
I am very lucky to have such great people in my life!
You will have to wait to see me in person to see the wig I really chose!
This morning, I was surprised by Courtney's dance studio director showing up on my doorstep with LOTS of great meals for my freezer and stocking our pantry shelves! Several families had made various things to help us out on days when I didn't feel up to cooking. Courtney had been in on the whole thing giving them meal ideas and coordinating the drop off. It was pretty amazing at how many people jumped in to help in such a huge way! Again, I know I say this almost every post, but the support from friends has just been so great! WOW is all I can say!
And then tonight, Tom came home and decided we should all go out to dinner. We headed for Thai Country, but they were closed :( so we had Golden Valley instead. He secretly carried a gift bag in and at the end of dinner I unwrapped it and it was a new iPad 2 :) The family wanted me to have something to help pass the time while I was in chemo or when I needed to be entertained while resting. What a great gift!
I am very lucky to have such great people in my life!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Finally some good news!
I received a call this morning from Dr. Irani's nurse telling me that my lymph node biopsy results came back negative for cancer!! YAY!!!!!! Such great news...my next step is to confirm these results are accurate by having the sentinel node procedure done. I will go in next Monday, July 25 to have the special dye injected. The dye will do its "magic" overnight and I will go in Tuesday morning for the removal of the sentinel node as well as get my port put in for my upcoming treatments. The sentinel node will be sent out for testing so will we get to WAIT for up to a week for that result to come back. The prayer is that it also comes back negative so that I can proceed with the lighter version of chemo!
One other prayer was answered last night. We were able to find our almost 1 year old puppy, Marley, a good home to be with a family that can give her all the love and attention she needs. They were excited to get her, and we were excited she was going to a great family! We will miss her as even though she was a bundle of energy, she had become a part of our family. Just knowing this new family has love and time to devote to her is very comforting for all of us.
Keep those prayers coming! Thanks again to everyone for your continued support and all the love you have shown our family!
One other prayer was answered last night. We were able to find our almost 1 year old puppy, Marley, a good home to be with a family that can give her all the love and attention she needs. They were excited to get her, and we were excited she was going to a great family! We will miss her as even though she was a bundle of energy, she had become a part of our family. Just knowing this new family has love and time to devote to her is very comforting for all of us.
Keep those prayers coming! Thanks again to everyone for your continued support and all the love you have shown our family!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I am truly blessed...
One thing has become very clear in the last couple of weeks since my diagnosis. I have the most supportive friends and family you could ever imagine! I have been overwhelmed at the amount of generosity, love and support that has come my way. Those close to me as well as people I haven't been overly close with in years have offered food, rides, a shoulder to cry on, and everything else imaginable. God has truly blessed me by making each and every one of you a part of my life. My good friend Beth told me when we were first talking about my diagnosis that she and her family were there for me and so happy to be part of "Team Michelle". This is how I came up with the name for my blog, as you are all a key part of my team. You are my prayer team, my support team, my "help me even if I may not even know I need help" team. :) I can't think of any better people to have by my side in this long road ahead! Thank you to each and every one of you for the gift of friendship you have given me. It truly is appreciated more than you can ever know! GO TEAM MICHELLE!!! :) Let's show this cancer who is boss!
Another biopsy...fun!
So, a couple of days passed and I called to check in to see if we had gotten any results from the MRI. Dr. Irani said they had just gotten the results back and the MRI revealed a few more masses in that breast and some lymph nodes that looked abnormal. She also said that the tumor had attached itself to my pectoral muscle, so the tumor would need to be shrunk some before they did surgery. I also needed a lymph node biopsy to see if the cancer had spread in the lymph nodes! UGH...another biopsy, which meant...you guessed it! MORE WAITING!
As the conversation unfolded, I began to understand that the fact the tumor would need to shrink meant that one of the treatments I was hoping to not have at all would actually be the first plan of attack to get the cancer removed from my body! They will need to start with chemotherapy and I have known enough people with cancer to know this is not a fun process.
The next afternoon my mom, Tom, and I met with my Oncologist, Dr. O'Brien to get all of our questions answered. She is going to be an amazing doctor to have on my side. She is thoughtful, detailed, and very open to answering any questions about this big process ahead. We spent an hour there and also "toured" the chemo room where my treatments will be. Depending on the results of my lymph node biopsy, I will either have a 2 drug chemo cocktail for 4 treatments spaced 3 weeks apart, or a 3 drug chemo cocktail for 6 treatments spaced 3 weeks apart. The latter she referred to as "throwing the kitchen sink" at the cancer as it was the more aggressive of the two treatment plans. Needless to say, I am praying for option 1!
Friday morning came and it was time for my ultrasound guided lymph node biopsy. My friend Jerri was off that day, but she saw to it that her good friend Alaina was taking good care of me that morning. Alaina was amazing and she made the procedure as easy and comfortable as it could be. They took a few samples of the enlarged and abnormally shaped lymph node the MRI revealed. I hope to have answers by Tuesday at the latest...and if I have paid enough of my "waiting dues" maybe some miracle will happen and we will hear by Monday! Basically what we are praying for is for the samples to come back negative for cancer. A positive result would get me the "kitchen sink" version of chemo. A negative result however will mean going through likely one more test. It's a sentinel node test and this is to have a special dye injected. The sentinel node is the first node the cancer would have traveled to, so if it comes back negative then we KNOW we are in the clear with the lymph nodes and can proceed with the less aggressive chemo option we are praying for. This test is a little more invasive so that is why they didn't start with that test before the biopsy of the other lymph node.
Off to do more waiting...will keep everyone posted as I know more.
As the conversation unfolded, I began to understand that the fact the tumor would need to shrink meant that one of the treatments I was hoping to not have at all would actually be the first plan of attack to get the cancer removed from my body! They will need to start with chemotherapy and I have known enough people with cancer to know this is not a fun process.
The next afternoon my mom, Tom, and I met with my Oncologist, Dr. O'Brien to get all of our questions answered. She is going to be an amazing doctor to have on my side. She is thoughtful, detailed, and very open to answering any questions about this big process ahead. We spent an hour there and also "toured" the chemo room where my treatments will be. Depending on the results of my lymph node biopsy, I will either have a 2 drug chemo cocktail for 4 treatments spaced 3 weeks apart, or a 3 drug chemo cocktail for 6 treatments spaced 3 weeks apart. The latter she referred to as "throwing the kitchen sink" at the cancer as it was the more aggressive of the two treatment plans. Needless to say, I am praying for option 1!
Friday morning came and it was time for my ultrasound guided lymph node biopsy. My friend Jerri was off that day, but she saw to it that her good friend Alaina was taking good care of me that morning. Alaina was amazing and she made the procedure as easy and comfortable as it could be. They took a few samples of the enlarged and abnormally shaped lymph node the MRI revealed. I hope to have answers by Tuesday at the latest...and if I have paid enough of my "waiting dues" maybe some miracle will happen and we will hear by Monday! Basically what we are praying for is for the samples to come back negative for cancer. A positive result would get me the "kitchen sink" version of chemo. A negative result however will mean going through likely one more test. It's a sentinel node test and this is to have a special dye injected. The sentinel node is the first node the cancer would have traveled to, so if it comes back negative then we KNOW we are in the clear with the lymph nodes and can proceed with the less aggressive chemo option we are praying for. This test is a little more invasive so that is why they didn't start with that test before the biopsy of the other lymph node.
Off to do more waiting...will keep everyone posted as I know more.
The Dreaded MRI...
The Monday after my diagnosis, I went to Newberg to get a breast MRI. Apparently this would tell them if there were any other suspicious masses in either breast, and it was more reliable than just looking at ultrasound alone. I dreaded that MRI all weekend. I got a prescription for anxiety meds as I could not imagine having to go in this tube and not going completely crazy.
I checked in Monday morning, and walked into the room confident and told myself I could do this. Then I saw the machine and my stomach started doing cartwheels, somersaults, and pretty much everything in me screamed, "I can't do this!" The lady explained the test would be about 35-40 minutes and that the last 10 minutes they would inject a contrast into my IV and I would have to lay perfectly still as that contrast would travel to places in "question". I laid facedown on the table and got as "comfortable" as possible. The nurse set me up with headphones and my selection of music to pass the time. She pushed the tube part way in and because I was facedown I had no real sense of how far in or out of the machine I was. I remember taking a deep breath and thinking, "Alright, I can do this, I can still see a little light from the room and I am not in that far afterall." Boy was I wrong! That nurse said to me, "You doing okay? I'm going to push you the rest of the way in now." Seriously? I was going in further? As she pushed me in that dark tunnel, I felt my pulse quicken and my body sending all sorts of messages to my brain saying "Get me the heck out of here!" It literally felt like I was being pushed into a coffin to be buried alive! (Not that I know what that feels like, but I'm pretty certain it must feel something like this!)
The nurse checked in with me one more time and asked if I was doing okay. "No, I am really not okay", I replied. She had her pep speech all prepared for me and simply replied with, "Well, you are going to have to do it sometime, so we might as well do it today and get it over with. You are going to be okay. Take a couple of deep breaths and try to relax." Sure, try to relax. My heart was beating out of my chest, but soon the music started and I tried to immerse myself in the songs playing. My friend, Beth, had been over the day before and said just keep talking to yourself and tell yourself every minute in there is a minute done and you are closer to having it behind you. I did this and sang in my head to myself. I remember calculating that an average song was probably 3 minutes and I was going to count to about 11 songs and I would be about done. Small problem...when the jackhammer sound starts up when the machine is taking a reading 4-5 minutes at a time, it is pretty hard to HEAR the music. I started making songs up in my head and let myself get lost in a happy place...Hawaii. Our family had planned a trip for almost a year now to go to Hawaii. My dad had left a note for all of us that if anything happened to him at the hospital that he wanted us to go as a family anyway. My mom had struggled with that, and finally was getting to the point of feeling okayish (as okay as we could) about going until my diagnosis blew that trip right out of the water! The real Hawaii will have to wait, but I put myself on that beach and continued my songs in my head during the next 25 minutes or so. Soon the contrast was injected into my IV and I felt myself tense up again. What if I moved, or sneezed, or coughed? I would have gone through all of that 25 minutes for nothing. I spent the next 10 minutes praying that God would just bring peace and quiet to my body....a strange thing to pray for, but whatever got me through the moment! After what felt like an eternity, I was pulled out of the machine and on my way home. Results would not come for likely a few days, so although I had become accustomed to hearing I would have to wait a few days for answers, the waiting did not get any easier.
I checked in Monday morning, and walked into the room confident and told myself I could do this. Then I saw the machine and my stomach started doing cartwheels, somersaults, and pretty much everything in me screamed, "I can't do this!" The lady explained the test would be about 35-40 minutes and that the last 10 minutes they would inject a contrast into my IV and I would have to lay perfectly still as that contrast would travel to places in "question". I laid facedown on the table and got as "comfortable" as possible. The nurse set me up with headphones and my selection of music to pass the time. She pushed the tube part way in and because I was facedown I had no real sense of how far in or out of the machine I was. I remember taking a deep breath and thinking, "Alright, I can do this, I can still see a little light from the room and I am not in that far afterall." Boy was I wrong! That nurse said to me, "You doing okay? I'm going to push you the rest of the way in now." Seriously? I was going in further? As she pushed me in that dark tunnel, I felt my pulse quicken and my body sending all sorts of messages to my brain saying "Get me the heck out of here!" It literally felt like I was being pushed into a coffin to be buried alive! (Not that I know what that feels like, but I'm pretty certain it must feel something like this!)
The nurse checked in with me one more time and asked if I was doing okay. "No, I am really not okay", I replied. She had her pep speech all prepared for me and simply replied with, "Well, you are going to have to do it sometime, so we might as well do it today and get it over with. You are going to be okay. Take a couple of deep breaths and try to relax." Sure, try to relax. My heart was beating out of my chest, but soon the music started and I tried to immerse myself in the songs playing. My friend, Beth, had been over the day before and said just keep talking to yourself and tell yourself every minute in there is a minute done and you are closer to having it behind you. I did this and sang in my head to myself. I remember calculating that an average song was probably 3 minutes and I was going to count to about 11 songs and I would be about done. Small problem...when the jackhammer sound starts up when the machine is taking a reading 4-5 minutes at a time, it is pretty hard to HEAR the music. I started making songs up in my head and let myself get lost in a happy place...Hawaii. Our family had planned a trip for almost a year now to go to Hawaii. My dad had left a note for all of us that if anything happened to him at the hospital that he wanted us to go as a family anyway. My mom had struggled with that, and finally was getting to the point of feeling okayish (as okay as we could) about going until my diagnosis blew that trip right out of the water! The real Hawaii will have to wait, but I put myself on that beach and continued my songs in my head during the next 25 minutes or so. Soon the contrast was injected into my IV and I felt myself tense up again. What if I moved, or sneezed, or coughed? I would have gone through all of that 25 minutes for nothing. I spent the next 10 minutes praying that God would just bring peace and quiet to my body....a strange thing to pray for, but whatever got me through the moment! After what felt like an eternity, I was pulled out of the machine and on my way home. Results would not come for likely a few days, so although I had become accustomed to hearing I would have to wait a few days for answers, the waiting did not get any easier.
Really? Right now, God?
I was just diagnosed with breast cancer on July 6, 2011. Since then, my world has been turned upside down with various tests, and waiting followed by more waiting!
As most of you know, my dad recently died very unexpectedly after what was supposed to a "routine" heart valve repair. Instead of routine, my mom and I spent nearly every day for 3 1/2 weeks in May/June going to St. Vincent's asking the doctors for answers as to why my dad's red blood cells were destroying themselves. He went through every test (and specialist) imaginable, and in the end his body just couldn't fight anymore. Right before he was scheduled to have surgery, I started noticing a pain in the side of my left breast. It was as if someone had elbowed me hard! I didn't have a lot of time to give it much thought and figured it would pass and that likely I had either run into something or someone had really elbowed me and I had just forgotten. After about 2 -3 weeks the pain was still there. Soon that pain turned into a lump I could feel. It was the Sunday before my dad died, and I remember just standing there with a sinking feeling thinking "Really? Right now, God?" Our family was on emotional and physical overload and my dad's condition was not improving. Now was NOT the time to have me discover this. I can't explain why to this day, but when I found the lump I had a gut feeling it was not just "any" lump.
Later that week, my dad passed away and the only person that knew of this lump was my husband, Tom. He kept saying, "Michelle, you have to go get it checked." I knew I needed to, but part of me really felt if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. I couldn't deal with this right now, my mom didn't need one more thing to think about, and I just kept trying to push it out of my mind. The week after the memorial service, I decided it was time to call the doctor. I went in and they recommended I get a mammogram and an ultrasound just to rule everything out. When they called to make the appointment however, the appointments for the breast center were a week out. Knowing what my family had already been through, the doctor made a couple calls, and got me set up to see a surgeon in the hopes that they could check it out with a biopsy and get a clean bill of health. He also recommended I talk to my mom about everything and tell her what was going on. He has known us a long time and knows my mom and I are very close, and her not knowing what I was going through would only make it worse. He really encouraged me to talk to her, so that night I did. She was shocked, but she also dealt with it as my mom deals with everything...with strength, determination and positive thinking.
A couple of days later, I went to Dr. Irani's office. She was so kind and reassuring. She did the biopsy, and warned me that sometimes when they do them without the guide of an ultrasound they can miss the actual spot, but she would try her best. I waited all weekend for the results and she called Monday afternoon with the news I was dying to hear, "Your lump was benign." She wanted to make sure I had my mammo/ultrasound still scheduled just so the radiologists could make sure everything was okay and get a baseline mammo since I just turned 40 in April. So, a couple more days and my mom and I went to the hospital to get this done once and for all.
Unfortunately, God had other plans. The radiologist didn't like the way my a couple of areas looked on the mammogram or the ultrasound. He ordered an ultrasound guided biopsy for the next day. He did a lot of talk about primary and secondary cancer cells and my mom and I both exchanged glances like we couldn't believe what we were hearing. I went in on the 30th of June for my ultrasound biopsy. I was so happy when my friend, Jerri, was going to be my ultrasound tech. She kept me conversing and kept my mind off what Dr. Rickards was doing and before I knew it we were done. But now.... MORE WAITING! 4th of July was on Monday, so test results would likely be delayed til Tuesday! I can tell you that felt like the longest 5 days of my life! Tuesday came and I got on the phone to check with the doctor first thing to see if any results had come in, only to get the response that pathology was really backed up from the holiday and vacations, so it would take an extra day. Seriously? 5 days wasn't enough for me to wait, I had to wait 24 more hours?
Wednesday, July 6th came and early that afternoon I received a call from my doctor. She was supposed to be on vacation that week, so I knew when she called me personally from vacation the news was not going to be positive. The words came over the phone "the test results came back and confirmed you have an invasive form of breast cancer. I'm so sorry hun." and all I could do was sit there. I had been ready to hear that news, as I had felt it deep in my gut, but still the news just numbed me. I tried to write notes and tried to make sense of all she was telling me, but nothing was making sense. My whole world just got turned upside down!
As most of you know, my dad recently died very unexpectedly after what was supposed to a "routine" heart valve repair. Instead of routine, my mom and I spent nearly every day for 3 1/2 weeks in May/June going to St. Vincent's asking the doctors for answers as to why my dad's red blood cells were destroying themselves. He went through every test (and specialist) imaginable, and in the end his body just couldn't fight anymore. Right before he was scheduled to have surgery, I started noticing a pain in the side of my left breast. It was as if someone had elbowed me hard! I didn't have a lot of time to give it much thought and figured it would pass and that likely I had either run into something or someone had really elbowed me and I had just forgotten. After about 2 -3 weeks the pain was still there. Soon that pain turned into a lump I could feel. It was the Sunday before my dad died, and I remember just standing there with a sinking feeling thinking "Really? Right now, God?" Our family was on emotional and physical overload and my dad's condition was not improving. Now was NOT the time to have me discover this. I can't explain why to this day, but when I found the lump I had a gut feeling it was not just "any" lump.
Later that week, my dad passed away and the only person that knew of this lump was my husband, Tom. He kept saying, "Michelle, you have to go get it checked." I knew I needed to, but part of me really felt if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. I couldn't deal with this right now, my mom didn't need one more thing to think about, and I just kept trying to push it out of my mind. The week after the memorial service, I decided it was time to call the doctor. I went in and they recommended I get a mammogram and an ultrasound just to rule everything out. When they called to make the appointment however, the appointments for the breast center were a week out. Knowing what my family had already been through, the doctor made a couple calls, and got me set up to see a surgeon in the hopes that they could check it out with a biopsy and get a clean bill of health. He also recommended I talk to my mom about everything and tell her what was going on. He has known us a long time and knows my mom and I are very close, and her not knowing what I was going through would only make it worse. He really encouraged me to talk to her, so that night I did. She was shocked, but she also dealt with it as my mom deals with everything...with strength, determination and positive thinking.
A couple of days later, I went to Dr. Irani's office. She was so kind and reassuring. She did the biopsy, and warned me that sometimes when they do them without the guide of an ultrasound they can miss the actual spot, but she would try her best. I waited all weekend for the results and she called Monday afternoon with the news I was dying to hear, "Your lump was benign." She wanted to make sure I had my mammo/ultrasound still scheduled just so the radiologists could make sure everything was okay and get a baseline mammo since I just turned 40 in April. So, a couple more days and my mom and I went to the hospital to get this done once and for all.
Unfortunately, God had other plans. The radiologist didn't like the way my a couple of areas looked on the mammogram or the ultrasound. He ordered an ultrasound guided biopsy for the next day. He did a lot of talk about primary and secondary cancer cells and my mom and I both exchanged glances like we couldn't believe what we were hearing. I went in on the 30th of June for my ultrasound biopsy. I was so happy when my friend, Jerri, was going to be my ultrasound tech. She kept me conversing and kept my mind off what Dr. Rickards was doing and before I knew it we were done. But now.... MORE WAITING! 4th of July was on Monday, so test results would likely be delayed til Tuesday! I can tell you that felt like the longest 5 days of my life! Tuesday came and I got on the phone to check with the doctor first thing to see if any results had come in, only to get the response that pathology was really backed up from the holiday and vacations, so it would take an extra day. Seriously? 5 days wasn't enough for me to wait, I had to wait 24 more hours?
Wednesday, July 6th came and early that afternoon I received a call from my doctor. She was supposed to be on vacation that week, so I knew when she called me personally from vacation the news was not going to be positive. The words came over the phone "the test results came back and confirmed you have an invasive form of breast cancer. I'm so sorry hun." and all I could do was sit there. I had been ready to hear that news, as I had felt it deep in my gut, but still the news just numbed me. I tried to write notes and tried to make sense of all she was telling me, but nothing was making sense. My whole world just got turned upside down!
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